Friday, January 4, 2013

2012 work done


happy, happy new.

Te Deum

Not because of victories
I sing,
having none,
but for the common sunshine,
the breeze,
the largess of spring.

Not for victory
but for the day's work done
as well as I was able;
not for a seat upon the dais
but at the common table.

Charles Reznikoff

The time/space continuum studied years ago creeps into my daily life (by combining space and time into a single manifold, physicists have described in a more uniform way the workings of the universe at both the supergalactic and subatomic levels). I look at photos of Deven from when he was 6...it went so fast with him because he seems to merge into the background at times.  He is not demanding, high needs or vocal, therefore, to reach him I have to seek him out.  The other three children (4 kids. 4, bonafide pioneer woman I am, no?) seek me in reciprocal amounts.  I go to them and they come to me.  More often than not I have to go to Deven to connect to him.  Content being solo can be a great attribute.  I understand that ability.  However the time he spends on Minecraft or in his room's safe space means time passing without connection to me.  That gives me anxiety.  Last night after the routine of a newborn was finally calmed (messy baby, first bath, stress on baby, blowout in the tub, new outfit, another blowout, nursing, major spitup, new outfit, more nursing, etc.) the house had quickly fallen into disarrary.  Char was on the family computer, Deacon playing the Wii and Dev multitasking his laptop/tv/homework all at once.  (I loved the quater Dev was grounded from electronics for his grades.  We had much more time together). What to tackle first after Everett?  Dev.  "Please don't watch Netflix while doing your homework, and, American Dad is not a show that I want you or Charly watching...with so much uplifting media why choose such crap?"  Dev is sullen, he shuts down easily.  "Dev, I hate being a nag.  Let me explain why I ask you to get off your electronics.  Simply, I miss you.  I want time with you.  I love you.  You invest your free time in activities that don't bring you closer to me or your family when you hole up in your room.  You are almost 12...that gives me a short 6 years with you at home.  Please, we have such a beautiful connection; can we invest more in that?  I know I am not a lot of fun with being pregnant and now having a crying kid attached to me most the time, but I will do what I can to be with you."  Dev's eyes well up with tears.  Sensitive boy, deeply.  "Mom, I never thought of it like that," he honestly admits, "and I don't like it when I feel you are upset with me."  "I am not upset.  I am pleading, because I love you."  Tear drops, his nose starts to run, I start to cry.  We hug and cry a few minutes then regroup. He came out and built legos with deacon, then asked for a Capriotti's sandwich for dinner.  At 11 that night, while feeding the baby, Dev comes and flops on my bed.  He heard me, he tried, and I am blessed to have a deep emotional connection with my son; if I seek him out he is there.

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