and by the Universe


no church for baby.  too many people, bad breath, germs.  we are content to spend our days in our beautiful home with each other.  he is so tiny in his car seat it seems pointless to put him in it.  i have left for an hour to go to CVS with charly, and once for two hours for the endodontist, otherwise being close to him is the priority.  nothing soothes like a mother when they are this age.  just as i adore his smell, his skin, his sound, so does everett calm at my voice, my skin, my smell.  these days are the sweetest.  a baby sling will enable cleaning, cooking and walking to take place with him right where he needs to be.  from the first skin to skin contact we had, to when he starts moving on his own...i don't want to miss a moment with him.

memories fade.  was i this in love with the other three newborns?  his heaven smell, his grunts during nursing, his dramatic yawns.  he came via induction on our anniversary.  a planned tactic to override the day with celebration of his birthday.  i labored from 7:30 to 3.  he came so quickly once i was complete that the staff was scampering to get ready.  the dr. i had never met was even more displeased with his day once he HAD to deliver me right that minute because baby was coming.  he was small.  there was a true knot in the cord.  i studied the dr. as he pulled the placenta from me and plopped it in a tupperware.  i did not cry until charly came over to my bedside, "good job mom.  really good job."  she was the perfect companion thru my day and first night, staying by me so protective and watchful.  as always.  andrew, mom, deven, deacon, CE and his family (briefly).  the dearest people to me there to share in the unfathomable existence of another son, grandson, brother, nephew.  everett lee was born at 2:59 pm on December 27, 2012 weighing 6 pounds 15 ounces 18 inches long.  i knew his arrival would be so joyous based on the dichotomy of joy the past years have brought.  the suffocating space i have wiggled in has finally opened and given way for more life. more light. forgiveness, contrition...as baffled as i am by the absence and current state of dad, is as baffled as i am by this spirit beginning his turn on earth in this ideal body formed in my body. his eyes: miracles. his breathing: miracle. his life: miracle.  i approach the middle of my sojourn while these four children i share time with are at the beginning while my mom, "68 Christmases" is more on the end stage.  i really really hope that we all get to be together forever for real.  that had better pan out. faith, hope, charity.  i was nursing everett last night (the boys were at a UNLV game) after i had colored charly's hair a shade darker.  thinking of these truths and heavy with perspective she came bouncing into my bathroom to grab something.  "please don't come over to me, don't come over to me" i did not want her to see my cry.  seeing your mother cry is painful.  but she always comes over.  even for a second. everytime she comes in. to give me love.  and her weight on my bed and long fingers on my leg...made me cry.  "it's ok to cry sometimes mom."  empathy. "why are you crying..." care.  understanding.  she stayed the first night of everett's life at the hospital. next to me, always. we stared at the baby a couple hours.  talked, then she retired to her iphone.  her mere presence alleviates loneliness.  or isolation.  i told mom that at the baby shower held for me at firefly having charly by my side keeps me present.  despite my fabulous friends who planned such a thoughtful lunch, gifts, books, laughter, food, music, and love...having my daughter by my side at the age of 13, when she cares so sincerely and deeply (hours shopping at target for supplies, making a fabulous diaper cake, taking photos, wanting it to be a fabulous party for me because she wants me to feel joy)...that investment she has in life is a huge contributor to making life real for me.  my pretense and detachment has been worn deep as a crevice after years of water wear.  many times, without her knowing or trying, she is the water that fills that crevice full enough for me to climb out of the confined space and wander the banks where the flowers grow.  crazy curly haired girl was sent first to virgo intense me.  hallelujah.  kind of like my mom but intensified by 100.
next post will be about the connection with that deep deven.  then the joy of happy deacon. (despite sullenness in photo below)  it will be fun to see how the boys grow and change.
christmas is over.  a new year, a new root canal, a new baby, a new start in the church.  what i can do from this point is learn from the 36 years, and hopefully do better and be better for the ones i love. last night the kids and i read "love you forever," one of a few books my sweet friend kristen gave everett.  not meant to be a funny book, the three of us had tears of laughter from the pictures of the mom crawling into her teenage son's room to pick him up and rock him, the decrepit cat, and the ladder to the window.  interesting book, it will probably become one of our favorites.  but you know one night soon deven's mom is going to come crawling into his room to try and rock him.

always.

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