Thursday, February 28, 2013

muy sensativos

artist: velasco vitali

an allergy is an immune response to substances that are usually not harmful, but in a person with allergies, the immune response is oversensitive.  when it recognizes an allergen, the immune system launches a response and allergy symptoms appear.
i have a brood of overly sensitive people in my house. in more ways then one.

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

invite the storm

The sea will wash in
but the rocks-jagged ribs
riding the cloth of foam
or a knob or pinnacles
     with gannets--

are the stubborn man.
He invites the storm, he
lives by it! instinct
with fears that are not fears
but prickles of ecstasy,
a secret liquor, a fire
that inflames his blood
to coldness so that the rocks
seem rather to leap
at the sea than the sea
to envelope them.  They strain
forward to grasp ships
or even the sky itself that
bends down to be torn
upon them.  To which he says,
It is I!  I who am the rocks!
Without me nothing laughs.

The Seafarer  --William Carlos Williams

relevance for now: the stake of my existence is raised with each human i make. which each human i love.


de ja vu, if it can be named, occurs frequently. it is always the realization of a past dream. 
yesterday, kneeling in front of the fireplace to change baby i was thinking "love must incorporate the willingness and ability to accept the others deep seeded weaknesses..." voila. i had seen me, in this position, thinking the same thing in a dream i had in 2001-ish.
My daughter was around 2 or 3 when i saw this brown haired version of myself with this zoo of the new in front of me, coming to accept this fact of love. i woke up distraught with this painful idea of love that i would one day tell her about. she was curly haired and full.
time/space. i do not know what theory is correct of why these glitches happen. but they happen. 
later yesterday evening the girl went to pick up baby.  he wailed unlike he has before. his goat like tremor cry paralyzed her. she normally takes that baby's needs and wraps them up neatly. she sat there and looked at him bleat. tears came down her unwrinkled cheeks. 
"love can hurt, mom" later she claimed. i wish i could cradle her long long body. "yes."

Tuesday, February 26, 2013


pure religion and undefiled before god and the father is this, to visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world. -James 1:27
this kid is the most unspotted and pure person.

resting on simple pleasures

-tilda swinton
-ziggy stardust
-supports the theory that brad pitt may be an alien
-melodic chorus

Sunday, February 24, 2013

live again... with others still having opinions

suadade: "the love that remains" after someone is gone; the recollection of feelings, experiences, places or events that once brought excitement, pleasure, well-being, which now triggers the senses and makes one live again

char had to get to the stake center this morning to go with a group of youth from another ward to red rock for a hike.  i love she got up to go, i assuredly would have talked myself out of going when i was her age.  naked everett had just gone back to sleep in my bed, so i had deven go lay with him while i took char.  "thanks dev" "anytime mom" he replied with his sweet smile. and he means it. at the church i get out to go in with charly since i do not know who is taking her, "i am going to walk you in, just so they know you got family." to which charly replied "but you don't look like the other mormon moms."  "that is a good thing."  "they may not even think you are mormon."  "then have them send me the missionaries."  so FYI this sweatshirt/jeans/chucks are not mormon mom, or even mormon in general, material:

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

ceci est

 rene magritte, "the treachery of images" (1926)
this is not a pipe. it is a representation of a pipe removed from its referent, the object to which it refers. our desire to call the image a pipe suggests our confusion of image with the thing it represents. 
of course when i stumbled upon this t-shirt at target i felt that wave of abstraction. and consumerism.
presentation v. representation.  discuss/digress.
note: this representation of a room is not my room, 
this wall color was the girls free agency in action, 
also her free agency to leave clothes on the floor. everyday. 
it is, admittedly, her only flaw.
and a random old photo i found circa 2004

Friday, February 15, 2013

true knot and v-day

true knot, n.:
an intertwining of a segment of umbilical cord commonly formed by the fetus slipping through a loop of the cord.  a substance called Wharton's jelly provides cushioning around the important vessels of the cord and protects them even if the cord gets knotted.  as long as the knot remains loose, it won't cause harm to your baby.  but if the knot becomes tight, it could interfere with circulation of blood from the placenta to the baby and cause oxygen deprivation.

a new thing to be thankful for: wharton's jelly

last v day andrew and i went to a magic show at the Plaza with dad and signorelli.  this v day andrew was in colorado, and dad is gone.  i am really glad my our last words were love via this text message.

note: mom, you have to be here for like 100 more years. no last words. ever.

You came to the side of the bed
and sat staring at me.
Then you kissed me -- I felt
hot wax on my forehead.
I wanted it to leave a mark:
that's how I knew I loved you.
Because I wanted to be burned, stamped,
to have something in the end --
We will always know that, you and I.
The proof will be my body.
The Encounter by Louise Gluck

i love valentines day now. because of the kids. this is the greatest love i have known. so it is fabulous to celebrate. 
this holiday bugged me a bit as a teenager, and it bugged char too. "well, that was not so good a day," she said as she walked thru the door, giving me a big long hug. "i did not get anything. only the people with boyfriends or girlfriends got stuff.  nobody got me anything."  she should have gotten everything.  
i loathe when my kids feel pain or sadness.  even over things i know they have to go through and is simply part of the human experience.  but i am glad she does not have a boyfriend.  
dev took chocolate bars for a few friends. he seemed unmoved by the school day, but he loved the notes i left him in my Valentine on the Hour i did for the kids.
deac had his first legit vday party. he took individual cupcakes and had a ice cream sundae party. then retired to the playground for a rousing game of tag. he was living large.
happy happy love day because in the end i have something, we will always know that.

when you can't sleep

take pictures of trees. joshua trees and think of slot canyons gone by...
charly did The Subway slot canyon hike with us when she was 5. it is over 10 miles and she did most of it on her own. the rappel into the water part was freezing so, after getting her down the rock andrew put her on his shoulders so she would not have to swim. his chest was constricted from the cold water as he walked through. charly screamed "my feet are touching the water!" as he carried her. andrew often silently carries the kids through times in their lives, barely breathing himself, so all they feel is a bit of cold on their feet. that is a good dad.

Thursday, February 7, 2013


"I should say: the house shelters day-dreaming, the house protects the dreamer, the house allows one to dream in peace."  -Gaston Bachelard, The Poetics of Space

this baby is my dream. he is too cute for words.
this person is serenity, love, all things good.  he is reasonable, consolable, peaceful. yes, yes yes.