Saturday, May 31, 2014

so much yes

The days are beautiful.
The days are beautiful.

I know what days are.
The other is weather.

"Hum" Ann Lauterbach

Friday, May 30, 2014

more to come

this really is ad nasueam about my kids. i know. i just can't write about the amazing protein bar i am subsisting on (KIND sea salt), or my OOTD, or even sticky emotional stuff.  i continue.  so, charly, that girl. the facts of it are she took second in the state in both hurdle events, only behind the freakishly fast senior Tiana Bonds. in her relay she is always the anchor (last runner) and the reason the team does so well. they were also second in the state. she also qualified to run the sprint at state but got disqualified for a false start; that really hurt her heart. she called me crying, but then a couple hours later ran her 300 hurdles like a gazelle.  speaking of gazelle...
she is also on the track team the nevada gazelles.  this team is headed up by randall cunningham. this name meant nothing to me a month ago. i did not ever watch sports growing up. i pretended/tried a little when i was dating to care about sports until it was too taxing.  i guess cunningham is a big deal in football. his two high school kids are a big deal in track, and he wants charly to train with him.  so, i get to have brother cunningham in my life 4-5 days a week. he is a pastor of his own church now (which has always been a crazy notion to me to start one's own church). he pushes charly hard. her body is a strong machine that every coach wants to be part of at this point.  colleges are already asking around about her (but legally can't approach her til after her sophomore year.)
this is not me bragging, because it is not me. i am not down on that track hurdling, that would be so silly to see.  it is charly. yes, she is my daughter, but the ridiculous truth about children is that they are not OURS, they are not US...we just take care of them and serve them for awhile. it seems like a raw deal on many levels. but, hopefully my life will have meant something by the fact i have produced five wonderful people. right?

i went to a tears for fears concert with my brother at the old aladdin theater in my late teens. the lyrics "welcome to your life. there's no turning back" hit in a teenage angst way of realizing that childhood was almost over, blah, blah, blah.  The song was on the other day and it hit me in a middle age crisis kind of way that there really is NO turning back. i will never be the 15 that charly is now. man, i would love to go back to 15 though knowing what i know. but i take what i have learned and the mistakes and successes and pass them on to my spawn.  the efforts i have put into having char have a different existence is paying off. hallelujah.
at the track banquet i hid my tears of joy (which was not hard since her, her boyfriend and friends were sitting no where near their parents. le sigh, see! some of that raw deal i was talking about above) as she was first awarded MVP of the hurdle team; then she was awarded MVP of the whole girls track team. mmmmm, charly, good job.

end note: with the two competitors she has in the state keeping her from first place being seniors, next year she will be on the top of the podium in three events: 100 and 300 hurdles, and the 100 sprint.  watch for it.

Sunday, May 25, 2014

my first boy

the days knowing him are fab: he gets up at 8:29 am, everyday is black levis and vans, his love of panera mac and cheese, what he tells me about his day or thoughts on the way home from school, how he does not see a problem with wearing white socks with black pants to church, he won't eat leftovers, loves his family deeply, when i hold his hand he always pretends to bite my hand...

last year i gave him tickets to david copperfield. it is what he wanted. almost a year later, the last weekend before he turned 13, i bought the tickets and we were planning on going. an hour before leaving he was getting upset with his 7 year old brother. i asked him to stop, he did not. it is sometimes like he cannot stop himself. it turned into an argument. i pulled the plug on the evening events. dev was sad, he did not understand. i tried to help him understand. then we put on pajamas and just watched copperfield online. after confusion at the "illusions" and laughter we decided that we really did not miss much.

on his birthday i set up a scavenger hunt for him to illustrate how i love his emotional, spiritual, physical and mental selves. it began with a card instructing him to take a can of silly string and lure his brother outside to douse him. dev has a silly side that only a few people see; i am one of the few. (and deac is in black thermals in full sun because he was being a ninja.)
then the spiritual part i had him look up my favorite scripture of 2 nephi 9:41 of how the lord will "employeth no servant there"...that he will be there personally and not have some random dude taking on the duty of chatting it up with me about my time here on earth. for what it is worth i like the idea. he then had to text me his favorite scripture before i would give him the next clue.  he said his was the same as mine. i was not sure if i should be proud/flattered, or call a serious foul on that whimp out move.  i let it go and gave him the next clue.

then the physical part: a gift of new Vans, hat and swimsuit.  then the mental. i led him to a new rubix cube. like the genuine old school rubix cube he has been wanting. then he had to text me his understanding of the law of entropy and how it applies to him.  he looked it up and did not quite understand so we discussed how all things in a state of order are heading to a state of disorder, and it takes an active force against that to keep things in order.  this law applies to his emotional, spiritual, physical and mental well being.  he must assert an active force to keep these parts of him in order and healthy.  then he was led to his final gift of some cash money (since that is all he really wants). he was jazzed, probably even more jazzed since his siblings were both jealous of him.

then we made home made waffles (mind you i still had the two babies on my own at this point. a little bit of a fiasco.) when the family came in town we did a birthday dinner at his place of choice...i was thinking hibachi, sette bello...nah, he picked red robin. where the manager's jokes are always the same, he says to deven about me "hey, it's nice your sister brought you here." and to the 8 week old "no shoes no service buddy." but i guess their mac and cheese is phenom. i take his word for it.
i am blessed for him. i hope i am raising a boy that will be a good man. if nothing else, i hope he knows how madly i love him and plan on being his boss FOREVER. (note to his future wife, see my veiny hand on his arm in the first photo???)

Friday, May 23, 2014

nemo moriturus proesumitur mentiri

a little randomness today, this friday: the day the girl is in state championships, one day before my cousin gets married, two days before deven turns 13, 2 years and ten days since dad died.
there is too much to say that probably does not mean too much either.
(like yesterday i was going to fly to carson city to see charly race. ezra (8 weeks old) and my mom were going to come with me and everett was staying with his dad in vegas...on our way out the door to the airport i had a debilitating anxiety attack. at the ripe age of 38 i have had enough of these suckers to know that i needed not to fight it. i could not leave everett. even though he is no longer "the baby" of the family, he is still a baby.  he is only 17 months old. he has been sick with hand foot and mouth disease. he probably would have been fine with just his dad, but what if??? so his dad quickly packed and i took him and my mom to the airport to fly to see MY FIRST BABY run her races. i picked up deacon and then deven from school and it was quite the night of me and four boys at home. deacon was sad this morning when he realized he was going to be late to school because after an all night party in my bed with the babies i did not care to wake up my first grader to be on time.  he said to me "it is ok mom, i know you are used to not getting up early."
what did you say boy! what?!!! ah, nevermind.
and i am pretty sure deven was looking forward to going to school today as it is far less work then staying home "mom, you should have taken ezra to see charly.  i would have helped dad watch everett if you left."
what did you say boy! what?!!! ah, you are probably right.
today everett is still sick and showing NO signs of appreciation that i stayed home with him. none. some guy paying at the register in front of me in the 7-11 i stopped at this morning to buy milk looked at me and the babies and said to the cashier "i got this lady's milk." i asked his name. thanks mikey but i am not planning on paying it forward today.  maybe next week. or next year.

trying to be positive is as exhausting as being negative.

I give her sadness,
     And the gift of pain,
The new-moon madness,
     And the love of rain

"Godmother" D.Parker

Tupak Shakur's dying words were "F--- you."