leave if you can't accept the basics

i was raised by an lds mother. my father got baptized to satiate my mom, he was smoking the whole time he was at byu and his life from beginning to end was the antithesis of lds doctrine. i picked to be part of it. over and over again. in and out and in and out. it did not feel good in it, it did not feel good out of it. my attempts to live discipleship has informed many of my life decisions; many of my mistakes.

i was out of it when i was pregnant with charly. when she was born i made the decision to stay associated with the church because i did not think i could regret doing so (despite my deep issues with it). my teenagers are part in and part out...always on the outside of whatever group there is to be had in and out. i too am always on the outside and always finding something wrong, but i have accepted that as a condition of being. however, the not-suprising upset this week leaves me with a very humble quiet profound sadness. i do not accept it. my older kids will have to rectify the dichotomies of  their childhood and come to terms with the fact that i am many things and many people and will redefine myself many more times during my life. what remains constant in me is my devotion to love. i love them madly. i love others. it is time it moves on without me.

still my song.

and obviously i got some mother earth and her babies photos, so forgive the next few months when that is all i post, because they are perfectly imperfect.


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