a love letter from dad to mom

Let me begin by establishing certain disclaimer and/or premises that a majority of people live life (whether justified or not) i.e.. input based upon individual perception, experience, logic, subconscious need, etc. and appreciating the basic fact that the written word can in no way truly express the degree and volume of the human feeling, but to the contrary, may be used as a limitation and/or a restriction to a subsequent modification and/or change of feeling to one's detriment, whether same may be perceived, etc (refer to above). I am taking this opportunity to reduce to writing my inner most feelings (i.e. Definition = Essence, what I Have and do stand for, and will continue to stand for as long as I live) towards you as a person and more specifically towards you as my wife, friend and companion for the time we have spent together forever and a day.

The gratification that we (i.e. referring to we as a community entity), realizing that it does appear that our respective input from various individuals and/or sources does not take that into consideration. Based upon their inability and/or based upon our own choice of nondisclosure to said individuals because of a lack of a proper time/place and/or said said individuals input inability to accept and/or ablility to understand does not appear to flow equally to both of us as individuals.  That being that certain individuals i.e. friends, clients, acquaintances, family members, etc. perceive each of us differently based upon their respective wants, desires and needs as they demand to exist. Further, being cog of the value and consequences of their opinions, based upon facts i.e. as they perceive it, opinions, etc. and the consequences that flow there from when conveyed to another viewed logically towards the worldly standard i.e. not to say same is wrong or right, this written statement is being made with the above mentioned disclaimers and all other i.e. excuses, rationalizations, etc not expressed -- to set forth my feelings for and towards you as a person.

If and when there comes a period in my life that I can live without your regular input i.e. input being you appearance, voice, movements, opinions and generally "everything" which makes up your existence, that will be the period of time that a drastic readjustment will be made as to whether my life will continue, based upon other commitments which have to be fulfilled i.e. rearing etc. of CE and Ness. This is to say that although you are the most important aspect in my life, if there exist other commitments which have to be fulfilled -- upon our mutual decision, said commitments will be fulfilled with the very highest of stands that exist in this world, thereafter and only thereafter there would remain no reason for my existence.

Prior to your involvement and coming into my life there existed a vacuum, a doubt, an uncertainty - when you came into my life, my mind and my philosophy , there was and continues to be a reinforcement of what I and we stand for.

Your involvement with me has established and produced our children who: although you have expressed on numerous occasions by me that some has apparently interfered and/or has been a source of some conflict in reference to the time of life and/or commitment which was to be devoted, be assured that my opinions in reference to the same has been motivated the majority of time, on a strictly objective standard and should not be taken nor considered by you as a possibility that the commitment for same would ever waiver.  To the contrary, without you, my feelings, etc, towards you would be substituted and redirected towards our babies.

Believing that you know, after having lived with me the last 16 years, how I feel about others, let me turn toward my feeling toward you, which I am finding very difficult to find and define. I can remember all times with you.  I cannot remember any of the time without you, nor do I desire to do so.  There appears to me a lack of trust, understanding an/or commitment between people in this present day.  My relationship with you, although as expressed by me as one of need, please be advised that you are the personification to me of the ageless and ever existing requirement of life, that being unadulterated "love" in the most pure sense. So when I express that your relationship with me is one of need it is meant to convey the basic need that every individual needs to believe in, that being that there does exist a "pure love", whether today or in afterlife. My characterizing of you and what you are (i.e. my subjective perception) is based upon the above. It was never intended, nor will it be intended in the future, to convey a world need i.e. without your other commitments = termination.

I will now turn to my subjective feelings, not to say the above is written, does not contain the same.  Without setting forth all of various aspects which contribute to one's view of life and one's view of same, may I attempt to categorize my life as it exists now and has existed since 6.24.66 and for sometime prior to that date.  Each individual that I have met in my life has expressed, wither early in the realationship or something thereafter the same basic question i.e. what is the meaning/essence of life? And other similar statements which in effect goes and/or means was meant to convey the same basic question. Prior to my involvement with you, the discussion between them and me was one which could be characterized within the vague and nebulous ares of expressions i.e. what should be, what might be, the injustice that transpires in life, etc. Since my exposure to you and what you are the discussion, although fewer and far between and proper time and place with an appreciation not to cast pearls among swine, the discussion has been centered totally town's and about an individual, in existence, living and functions, that being "VANA". "VANA" = all loving seldom seen, heard, appreciated or understood by select few that I dare disclose to, but nevertheless they appear to be waiting with baited breath to know. Per my disclaimer as stated above, the lack of introduction and/or exposure has been based upon my standard. When one believes/knows the essence of living, and I believe Vana is my essence, if there must any doubt (although there exist doubt in my mind in reference to everything save and except vana) how can one be expected and how can one dare expose the very most important person/entity/religion/ philosophy/principle etc to a truly unknown source? Although I may be criticized and misunderstood by a number of individuals in referee to our relationship and interference to our respective lifestyles and how we conduct the same, I would venture to say that said statements are based upon the universal standard that exist between the majority of husband and wife. That being, there does exist "too much" prosecution; defense and commitment for one or other of the parties "too much" may come as a result of observations, communications, hearsay, environment, or the inability to trust or the worst of all, the lack of oppoutunity to expose to a "Vana".  I personally feel and express that I have found and have been exposed to the "answer" to the basic question of life. Have been so exposed an having reaped the benefits therefrom i.e. essence, love, youth, contentment, etc from said association I have the ability/expertise to change, modify and yes, save lives. This ability, etc. comes from "Vana". Its a source that can be touched, exists...any disagreement/arguments in reference thereto between existence vs. what should be = best = conversion results in anticipation of "Vana."

There does not exist enough time nor does there exist enough words for me to express my feelings towards "VANA." This futile attempt to do so should be categorized as a foolish attempt to do so.

Let me end this written stint with the following: there does not exist nor has there existed nor will there ever exist, to me, another answer/person to the Basic question of life other than "VANA!!" Although to state same in the above degree, results in various forms of expressions/feelings towards the speaker --, does and will never be a factor for modification of the basic premise. There does not exist a power (i.e. another experience or un =-experienced) which would change my opinion of "VANA." No rewards of any kind would alter my commitment and love towards Vana. There exist for me the essence of life. This realization/knowledge has and will give me the ability to view and live life with unlimited horizons. The essence is "VANA," and ALL deeds, acts, accomplishments, praises, rewards, etc whether physical, biological, and mental are and can be traced to "VANA."

Suffice it to say, there does exist a "Love " for me. This "Love" is respected, admired, worshipped, cherished, etc. by me. If I were in a position wherein my feelings/exposure could be forced upon all, my experience to "love" would be mandatory. The "love" that I am referring to is to "VANA."

We the individuals/souls who have not had the fortune, luck, opportunity and chance to meet, know, be exposed to "VANA"--if there exist injustice in this world and the consequences that flow therefrom, I contribute same to lack of above.

I will be the first to state that the above may be a bias, prejudice and to a degree a self serving statement, based upon my exposure to "VANA." Further, I realize that my statements may have different interpretations depending upon who reads same and for what motive they do so, nonetheless, let everyone and any and all entities be placed upon actual and concrete notice of my beliefs, principles and feelings towards the essence of life. In summary, a simple equation is all telling:

CEH = "VANA" = "Essence"

Good Night Darling!

p1- my senses are limited, my perception is limited. we live as we dream, alone. despite this, I am devoted.
p2- public opinion be damned. all of them. I am devoted
p3- I would struggle to live without you, but I would, to care for ours
p4- all my life I looked for something I could not name. and then you.
p5- I was uncertain about our humans. now I am certain.
p-6- "I cannot remember any of the time without you, nor do I desire to do so."
p7- Vana is my essence..."
p8- love
p9- the reason for the endeavor and endurance - you.
p10- anyone who has not felt you is fundamentally lacking
p11- there is no way I would give this up to save them
p12- people may judge my words differently so let me simply sum it up in an equation


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