a sort of love letter July 2001
As you were advised during our last telephone conversation, I have received your letter. Thank you for still caring about me after all these years and what has been done to you by me.
Having time on my hands since the termination has allowed me to consider my life and what I have created as a result of the decisions I have made.
As you know, coming from poverty, abandonment, to a degree, insecurity as it concerns my personal evaluation of my own existence, lack of absoluteness and certainty in my history all of which resulted in a feeling, which I have felt as long as I can remember, that to change, prevent, make sure of same not happening i.e. the worst fear in my life of being alone again and having been exposed to people in my life who lived and acted on the basic premise that I was only as good as my last day. (Exceptions: grandmother, Sandy and you) I logically concluded in an attempt to prevent it from happening, knowing there existed nothing more frightening to me and knowing that if it did happen I did not know what I would do, did not know how to handle it, did not know whether I could survive going thru it, I thought if I acted, did, spoke, etc for and in behalf of and for another person and/or persons then they would not reject, leave, abandon you and you could prevent going thru or be exposed to your worst fear(s).
Based upon same I have given as much as I could give to the humans that became important to me, as time allowed.
However, having time now, having been alone, has given me an opportunity to think and to come to realize that in addition to the above mentioned belief system and acts that there is a factor/element consideration that was overlooked, not considered and take taken into account to the degree that it should have been due to its importance and that is "unconditional selectivity."
Not liking change of any kind but knowing that to be accepted by you know who i.e. to be one of the boys, "Don't trust anyone that does not drink with you, and when they do it must be something like and similar to what you are drinking and the appropriate number, Chuck, Do you want a drink?" I am not blaming him (Bill Boyd) I made the choice to do what I have done.
What I am saying and have been feeling for an exceptionally long time in my life is that I have been extremely unhappy since we became separated, no matter whether the reasons/motivations was work, occupation, another person(s), etc.
I thought, concluded internally, that with my will, mind over matter, with longevity of time that I could handle same, just like I did in the stage of my life I call "prior/before Vana."
It now appears and I feel, without a doubt whatsoever, that if I am ever going to be happy again I need to change my lifestyle. I hope you know what I am saying by reading between the lines.
As soon as I get employment, doing whatever I want and will be contacting you, if you consent. To begin prior to same would be in my eyes a very cheap shot i.e. "Oh, when he has a job, when he is a big shot, he didn't have nor make the time but now he is unemployed and doesn't have his ego feed on a daily basis, now he has the time to bring us into his life. Does he think we are stupid and we have not had a good life without that asshole?"
I will keep you advised