Friday, March 31, 2017

there is a canary in the coal mine

nick cave wrote half this album after his 15 year old son fell off the brighton cliffs to his death. in a migrane blinding light i sat in my dark room sobbing. "I'm losing my voice. Just file it under lost things. My voice, my iPhone, my judgement, my memory, maybe...and isn't it the invisible things, the lost things, that have so much mass, so much weight..."

"touch me not" -Jesus

i think i really need to live in sunshine.

Sunday, March 26, 2017

night terrors

charly was spending the night at her friends apartment about an hour from home. i got these texts from her at 5 in the morning, shortly after i had finally fallen asleep.

this little girl of mine. i say to you what zadie smith said, "my dear, resign yourself to the lifelong sadness that comes from never being satisfied. but also resign yourself to the lifelong momentary flashes of happiness that arrive in the seconds between after having completed a journey and before pursuing a new one. for while we, the never satisfied, are lifelong grievers, the rest are lifelong settlers. for while we aim high and constantly fall short, they aim low, and lower, and are constantly satisfied with themselves for having hist such low hanging fruit."

it is fine you don't want to do track anymore, nor go to cal state on a full ride. but keep on keeping on with your journey of grief and happiness. one of my night terrors is that you settle. i must trust now.
senior prom a dress very similar 
to her first dress for freshman homecoming

Thursday, March 23, 2017

i did all those

 Everett goes to school Monday to Thursday. I have to say the Utah school system is actually far inferior to Nevada when it comes to kids with some needs. My baby Everett is the most feeling amazing human I have known. Today I had a hard time sending him to school because of a horrible nightmare I had about him last night. I have night terrors that rock my world (so does Charly). So I debated having Ev stay home, but decided not to be crazy mom. So each day I get Ev ready for school Ezra gets frantic to get dressed and ready to go as well. He loves to go. Ev loves to stay. So today we got both boys all dressed and accessorized to fare in the snow. Ezra was so sad he did not get to take Ev to school with me. So. Sad.
 Then a couple hours later Ev is done and takes the bus home. He is so tiny on that big bus.
Then right after I get Ev off the bus I have to go get Deac from school. He runs across this huge field to get to where I park at a park. One day I was a few minutes late to get Deac because I have to wait until Ev is off the bus first...and the field was covered in new fallen snow. However, there were circle tracks all through the field. Deac told me while he was waiting for me he ran all thru the field to make his tracks. "See all those tracks? I did all those."

I did all those. All those 5 kids. All those tracks.

this love of mine

yesterday dev had to stay after school to take a math test he had missed. his phone had died so he called me right after school on the office phone to tell me to come in 30 minutes.  the test took almost two hours. so i sat there and watched many a kid approach and enter the ride that had come to pick them up. one boy was on his phone and did not look up from his phone as he entered the car with what looked like could have been his mom.  another boy approached the car that had come for him with apathy. no emotion. another boy gave the fake 1 second smile and then went back to stone faced. i can honestly say that every single day i pick dev up he is trying to hide his deep lovie smile as he sees me waiting for him. but it shines thru and he cannot hold back as much has he tries to be all serious, he is so happy to see me. that will go down in history as one of my favorite very cool and detached son cannot hide his smile when he sees me. 

Thursday, March 16, 2017

no ideas but in things

City Creek trail has become a go to for us each weekend. It is easy for the boys to run (big boys and small boys), the water is divine to hear, and the empty trees are stunning.
 sometimes it snowy
 sometimes we throw rocks for hours
always we enjoy

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

the price is high

I still think the price for our souls should be high. At times I have sold mine for pennies: casting pearls before swine. My two oldest have some profoundly immense souls. Imbibed with the false sense of veracity. I have discussed before how often they fight. In these past couple years the escalation has been beyond my ability to repair. Their core differences are so vast that in these teenage years they have come to fundamentally diverge as humans. However, they did come together the other night in the form of Charly's fist meeting Deven's face. I suppose it was time. Soft kids man. These kids today remind me of snowflakes. Melting. Melting. She clocked him good
 the night of after an hour of icing
a couple of days later in healing

Friday, March 10, 2017

18 years, 18 you for 18 years

this divine girl of mine is officially an adult
 18 balloons with 18 gifts
 i don't even recall my 18th birthday. at all. not even a little bit. 
so we decided to make hers super memorable and each get our first tattoos
shopping and having lunch took longer then getting these..we got these in all of 30 minutes
then she wanted a full set of acrylic nails
today she left for a weekend in Vegas with her friends from Vegas and Utah all together

I cannot ruminate on her growing up too very much because it leads to this crushing sensation in my chest, like putting a cinder block on an over ripe piece of fruit. So I will say that she has been the one human in my life that made sense. She lifts me out of cold dark canyons like flood water, to the top of the mountain to bask in the sun. I could not imagine life without her and I am deeply honored to be her mother.

Smiths album Figure 8 came out when Charly was 1. Smith's voice reminds me of her being a toddler. This new track was just released today. Years after his death.