Tuesday, October 21, 2014

time. it is scarce. i suppose it is still mine to choose what to do with.

Monday, October 20, 2014

what to say: thanks universe

about this RISE festival...sometimes beauty is surrounded by nightmare.

the end result was memorable. 10 thousand people gathered in the middle of the mojave desert on yoga mats. we busted out our picnic. wrote on our sky bound lanterns in preparation for the first communal release. their first lantern message they wrote was "i hope for this..." "i seek for this...". we lit the lantern and set them loose all at the same time. my heart felt like it skipped some beats. my 15 year old girl was giggling and twirling. my 13 year old boy was silent in awe. the messages on their next lantern was "god is great" and "families are forever."

thanks for the double rainbow that night's sunset, for the vast desert, for the lanterns that did not catch on fire, for no riots, for connection, and for these two humans. they are 10 thousand times more delightful then i ever could have imagined.

truly a middle child

the past two years this kid got the shaft on a birthday celebration. so, this past week was all about him.  oh, it was on. he ate it up and gave me great joy with his joy.  the whole week was filled with celebration.  (don't forget, self, that he said on his 14th birthday he wanted a dance party with a cotton candy machine so his little brothers could dance like he danced at his sister's 14th party).
 dodge ball soccer
tug o war
languid for a minute

son, you light up each and every day. in a big way. it is kinda your shtick and it really works.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

cute all over

"i have already lost touch with a couple people i used to be." joan didion

the sentiment of postmodern american poetry: make it new. life is not NOW it is FOR now, and for now and for now. as a girl the dreams of travel, career, husband, home and children was what filled my thoughts of the future.  check, check, check, check, check.  the last of my little girl dreams are fulfilled or forcefully erased.  it is time to get some new dreams. middle age dreams. old lady dreams. they are coming.  rich, plentiful, somewhat fanciful...they are coming.

this baby making phase of life is over. as a sweet parting gift , for some reason, this last baby of mine has evoked that 10 year old obsession i had with babies.  i found them to be so cute.  i have felt adoration for each child i have had, but this "oh my goodness his knuckles are so darn cute" (giggle) has just been a kick.  it is as if that person i was 20 years ago is still around but simply living in an older body.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

for real tho

"the precedent of the real mocks us." ann lauterbach

Sunday, October 5, 2014

zen no more

so a little weekend painting, reading and music interlaced with homecoming, soccer, friends and conference.  conference on the jambox was fab. the bass of their voices touched my feelers. visually i could focus on the canvas whilst listening.  that holland guy gets me every time.
in context the talk was discussing succoring the poor. so mary brought some expensive ointment for Jesus and some guy was giving her flack and her son said "Let her alone...She hath done what she could."

of course i take this out of context and apply it to my life, right? yes. last week deven and i were having a discussion regarding his teenage opinion of me as a mother. (when do they get to have opinions?)
his assertion "mom, nothing ever seems good enough for you."
to which i replied, "you may be right, but you are good enough for me. i give you positive support (this is a dead point if i have to illuminate it for him). just realize that the expectations i have of you are 100x less then what i have for myself. you want to live in my brain?"
he paused. "no. i do the best i can mom."
"dev, that is a convenient lie people tell themselves."
"wow mom."

but look at this! here is a scripture supporting dev's claim that doing what we can is enough. maybe one day my son will have to explain his mother with this saying, "she hath done what she could." put it on my tombstone. until then, i will be savoring these 5! babies (i love the number 5 and its multiples), jamboxing to some radiohead, and beating myself up for buying some expensive not-impressive kerastase shampoo...all the while knowing i could do more.

Mark 14:8  
maybe virgos should not have kids.

Friday, September 26, 2014

desperate for health

"Let food be thy medicine..." Hippocrates

The second part of that quote is "and medicine be thy food."
The kids think this tastes like "the guts of a pumpkin, mixed with band aids."  It is green apple, kale, a bit of spinach (from dev's garden), romaine, banana, hemp seeds, almond butter, ice. It does not taste like band aids. It is delish and i love myself a beverage as food.
Dev wanted his own garden. He was building the box while Char was practicing back flips. She decided to help out/take over.
He put up the fence to keep out bunnies and babies, then installed a watering system. Voila. Medicine.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

no heros here

...this hero that you're trying to maintain as the central figure in the drama of your life -- this hero is not enjoying the life of a hero...Finally, one day you say, "Let him die-- I can't invest any more in this heroic position." Leonard Cohen
i gave this kid a volcanic betonite clay rub down today.  he definitely was not a hero about it all. he made it very clear he would rather have toxins in his body then have clay on his skin.  come on? it is mud, you like mud! nope. he knew i had some agenda and he was having none of it. how dare he be interrupted from slamming the piano as hard as he could for this nonsense.  yet has there existed a near 2 year old that feels so deeply about so many things. you're right ev, it is too expensive to be a hero. it is also too expensive to let you play with my sunglasses.  so, give them back.

Monday, September 8, 2014

a little boho never hurt ya

discovery of the week: probiotics help eczema

four of my five kids have had eczema issues. those issues later developed into asthma, allergies and other sundry yuckiness. this last baby i took probiotics with the last trimester of pregnancy and up until about 2 months ago.  i had used up the supply of pills i had from pregnancy and decided to be done taking them.  my nursing baby's face came down with an intense breakout of eczema.  i tried so many topicals before i realized the only x factor in his immune system life was me not taking probiotics.  after TWO days of taking them again and nursing this guy what seems like non-stop...his face is all clear.  just sayin.
this was a week or so after i stopped taking the magic. 
his face quickly turned more scaly, inflamed and itchy. which led to him raking 
his face with baby fingernails that are confusingly like talons. sad.
on a happy note...those lips. and nose. and fluffy baby chick hair.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

if you are going to do it, do it right

my teenagers argue about, what seems like, everything. they argue about who is more sick. they argue about the properties of soda. they argue about what is too much clothing to pack for a two day trip.  they argue about who has destroyed my trust more based on their infractions. they argue about who has more knowledge of life in general. i think i have come to the epiphany about what bothers me so much about this arguing. i have maintained some crap reasoning that it is unacceptable because it destroys peace in the house, usurps any positive relations going on between other members of the house and is not making our home the sanctuary it needs to be for each other.
but what the problem is...these two people are HORRIBLE arguers: they get emotional, make ill conceived points and take most stuff out of context.  further, they fail to use the facts correctly and focus on tangential points rather then winning the main point. neither of them have a grasp of the english language's power, nor are they well read enough to bring in interesting allusions. worst of all...they take things personally, which quickly leads to physical fighting (much to the boys dismay since it is always his loss).  that is the mess always waiting to happen in their sibling relationship. as a parent, poet and attorney it is a disappointment.

Thursday, August 28, 2014

the babies and i meet deacon at the gate after his school day is over.  he is red faced and happy to see us. this boy is so delightful. the first thing he says is he "feels like snakes are watching" him.

maybe they are watching. and they like what they see.
(last day of summer: neon, whistle, pac man tat)

Friday, July 4, 2014

Maybe they will remember

This new baby makes me feel like I have motherhood figured out and put together. He demands and I supply.  He needs and I give.  I am dialed in baby.  Thanks for making me feel like I am a fabulous mother. You other four kids...life gets messy, huh?  Wanna nurse? No? Then I am all outta solutions for ya for now. 

Sunday, June 8, 2014


10 weeks. Your chin is delightful. Your eyelashes are growing. My new love.
Alpha and Omega

Saturday, May 31, 2014

so much yes

The days are beautiful.
The days are beautiful.

I know what days are.
The other is weather.

"Hum" Ann Lauterbach

Friday, May 30, 2014

more to come

this really is ad nasueam about my kids. i know. i just can't write about the amazing protein bar i am subsisting on (KIND sea salt), or my OOTD, or even sticky emotional stuff.  i continue.  so, charly, that girl. the facts of it are she took second in the state in both hurdle events, only behind the freakishly fast senior Tiana Bonds. in her relay she is always the anchor (last runner) and the reason the team does so well. they were also second in the state. she also qualified to run the sprint at state but got disqualified for a false start; that really hurt her heart. she called me crying, but then a couple hours later ran her 300 hurdles like a gazelle.  speaking of gazelle...
she is also on the track team the nevada gazelles.  this team is headed up by randall cunningham. this name meant nothing to me a month ago. i did not ever watch sports growing up. i pretended/tried a little when i was dating to care about sports until it was too taxing.  i guess cunningham is a big deal in football. his two high school kids are a big deal in track, and he wants charly to train with him.  so, i get to have brother cunningham in my life 4-5 days a week. he is a pastor of his own church now (which has always been a crazy notion to me to start one's own church). he pushes charly hard. her body is a strong machine that every coach wants to be part of at this point.  colleges are already asking around about her (but legally can't approach her til after her sophomore year.)
this is not me bragging, because it is not me. i am not down on that track hurdling, that would be so silly to see.  it is charly. yes, she is my daughter, but the ridiculous truth about children is that they are not OURS, they are not US...we just take care of them and serve them for awhile. it seems like a raw deal on many levels. but, hopefully my life will have meant something by the fact i have produced five wonderful people. right?

i went to a tears for fears concert with my brother at the old aladdin theater in my late teens. the lyrics "welcome to your life. there's no turning back" hit in a teenage angst way of realizing that childhood was almost over, blah, blah, blah.  The song was on the other day and it hit me in a middle age crisis kind of way that there really is NO turning back. i will never be the 15 that charly is now. man, i would love to go back to 15 though knowing what i know. but i take what i have learned and the mistakes and successes and pass them on to my spawn.  the efforts i have put into having char have a different existence is paying off. hallelujah.
at the track banquet i hid my tears of joy (which was not hard since her, her boyfriend and friends were sitting no where near their parents. le sigh, see! some of that raw deal i was talking about above) as she was first awarded MVP of the hurdle team; then she was awarded MVP of the whole girls track team. mmmmm, charly, good job.

end note: with the two competitors she has in the state keeping her from first place being seniors, next year she will be on the top of the podium in three events: 100 and 300 hurdles, and the 100 sprint.  watch for it.