Thursday, August 27, 2015

Temples. I like white.

April:  tender crystals of a temple

ruining your creases
with insistent fingers,
my initials in pieces
shimmering with particles
of fine china     historic women
donated to its construction;
devoted to losing life
for virtue's sake

water rushing
over my parching face
     not with filling intent
emptiness is encompassing all
by letting fleshy rain
settle in surfaces you see
     what's not available
to your sight is not
sacred, rather solitary.

So, that is a poem I wrote. And now I am going to talk about paint colors, because this blog has no purpose or direction.  Basically, what I write here is a love letter to my family.  Like an Ezra Pound style love letter: full of a little bit of everything, but not really anything.

My home is not that dijon mustard color that was so popular in the late 90's. Hallelujah.  I could not have lived another week in a house with grey poupon walls.  The walls of my house are a humble taupe color.  Not too offensive.  I have let them sit with me for a month now.  Then I came across this photo on Apartment Therapy.  It is the same color as my walls.  Let's do this project.

I have to pick projects that can be whipped out in a couple hours tops. Low commitment projects.  I taped my walls freehand and did a surprisingly accurate job.  Normally I hang stuff all crooked if I don't have a level.  I also swim crooked laps in pools. It is a flaw. Without using  a plumb-bottom I was cruising. I choose this really well researched paint.  Like I googled "best white paint" and decided that Benjamin Moore Swiss Coffee was the way to go.  It was supposedly Divine.  Of course, Benjamin Moore is not sold at Lowe's.  It is sold at some little shop in the industrial section of town that only die hard painters go to.  I decided to live my life with quality and go get the paint. Man, it was a little pricey.  Not Farrow and Ball pricey, but you know.  I was giddy to have my expectations met. The first coat was going to be glorious and all that was needed and it was going to cast cool undertones that played magic with the light.  The paint was super thick and annoyingly non-covering.  You would have thought my humble taupe walls were black with the amount of coats I had to put on of BM. (Ha, BM.) At this point my little year of the dragon Everett was done with me being on the ladder.  He cried despite my assurances that I was fine.  He sensed my imminent danger.  He cries whenever I scream (which is often); he cries when I cannonball into the pool; he cries when Deven wrestles with me; he cries a lot, basically.  So, I obliged him and stopped my project which was turning out poorly and not near as cute as the photo.
Late that night after little humans were asleep I drug the bigger ladder out of the garage, for I had reached my potential with this smaller one.  When I was finished painting Deacon was helping me rip off the tape, since that is the best part.  We tried to pull it off in big long pieces.  "Deac, do you like the result."  "It is very you." "What do you mean by that?" "It is white. You like white. This chair is white, white lamp, white bedspread..." and he went on for 10 more minutes pointing out everything white that I owned. I have been fine with taupe walls for a month, but now that there is white next to them they look super taupey.  There is nothing like contrast to show you differences between taupe and white. Like how in life once you have had something really amazingly white, the taupe becomes intolerable.  I give this a few weeks before I paint the whole thing white.
Now, for the rest of my poem.

June: touching them
"He wept"
i would like to have talked
to Lazarus
who returned from that country
hello.  where have you been?
here all along
enter if you want
do you? Come.
Seize the door way
stuck in the light

The emporium is empty
it has been ripped off
so I let myself express violence
gain courage to go along (or alone).
Some of us fall; don't take it 
as a tragedy.
We are all living
in a trailer park
at the edge of something.
Learning courage
with no way to resolve-
only a coming together
in a moment
of rest:

Monday, August 24, 2015

"ma ma"

this little baby. naughty angel demon.

Friday, August 21, 2015

so I think it's time for us to have a toast

My freshman year of high school was my best year of high school.  In large part because my brother was a senior at the same school.  We had not been in school together much; for reasons of their own my parents put my brother in private schools all growing up, and left me in the public system.  That's cool mom and dad.  It was the one year I remember ever hanging out with my brother socially. It was the one year we had mutual friends. It was the one and only year we it was me and him, him and me, against the world.

Well, my two oldest are starting high school together.  They have two years left to make these youthful memories.  Two years to go cliff jumping, strip cruising, sneaking into lake las vegas clowning, and what ever young shenanigans they can amass.  After that their relationship will change. Charly will move on to college seamlessly, for that is how she has grown up: seamlessly.  Deven will then be the oldest child at home and soon thereafter embark on his two years of service.  That changes a boy.

I raise my glass of sparkling water to the last two years of all of us under the same roof :  may it be tender, connective, and full of laughter tears! Cin cin!

(Speaking of two years of good friend just had her son return from France.  He was giving his report at church and full on fainted at the pulpit.  Hit his chin and was down for the count.  They had to call the ambulance to take him out on a stretcher. It was dramatic.) 

Friday, August 14, 2015

joie de vivre

august rainstorms in the desert are dreamy. the rain is warm, yet cool enough to create steam on the sun soaked concrete. they are wild storms that come in an instant, are punctuated with moments of sunshine blindingly bright, they leave, they return.

as a child my street would easily flood during these rains.  we would lay in the gutter letting the rain water full of street matter wash over us.  i was wearing my mother's high school class ring one time i made the brilliant pre-teen decision to lay down in the gutter full of rushing water.  i felt it slip off the finger on my right hand. i feverishly ran down the street ahead of the water and laid perpendicular in the gutter attempting to create a body barricade as which to trap the ring. no such luck. i imagined it went down some storm drain and out out to lake meade.

full of remorse i went home where my mom was. where she always was. i told her what happened. she was not even remotely upset. i felt puzzled at her reaction. now that i have kids of my own, and class ring that gathers dust, the payoff of seeing your kids run, lay and dance in the rain usurps a high school trinket.  mamacita knew this.
Deven 14, Everett 2
excited rain

speaking of high school rings...charly's state ring came in this week. she took state in three events (100 hurdles, 300 hurdles and 400 relay), so she could have gotten three state rings.  she was modest and just combined it all into one ring. i do not think she will be so kind if one of her children lose this ring. let me put that on the record for any of my future grandchildren. 

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Laborare est Orare

. . . thus we gather up all the threads of human passion and interest, and weave them into an harmonious tapestry, subtly and diligently with great art, that our Order may seem an ornament even to the Stars that are in the Heavens at Night. In our rainbow-coloured texture we set forth the glory of the whole Universe--See thou to it, brother Magician, that thine own thread be strong, and pure, and of a colour brilliant in itself, yet ready to mingle in all beauty with those of thy brethren!  --Aleister Crowley
I have a couple dear friends who have set up camp outside of the norm on a farm, an island or whatnot. Why is it that I am raising my kids in the same place and same system that I grew up in; and I found such inherent flaws in it.  Ca va. It is only for now.  I will get this first baby of mine off to college then reassess the situation.  

In the mean time, it is a duty to teach my boys to work. To do something productive so they feel the art and prayer of labor. How would you like to have me for a mom?  This 14 year old of mine needs some prodding...Ja feel?  This is the second summer I have sent him to work with my brother.  He owns his own landscaping company in southern Utah.  He is a 6'10" 40+ year old guy who works outside with his body most all day everyday.  He willingly houses and works my boy.  He said Deven did not do much the first week, so he did not pay him for that time. Bwhahaha!  After that, Dev worked hard in the heat without complaint for the rest of his duration there.  

I am so thankful for my brother.  We are cut from some very different cloth, but I have mad respect for that guy. He always took the brunt end of my dad's disapproval and ire.  Even in my dad's last days of life he was such a jerk to his only son "the gardener" he would call him pejoratively.  That caused a bit of rage in my soul.  I love my brother dearly. He loves my children dearly. His thread is strong, and pure, and of a brilliant color.

cutting lawns
a little fishing on the weekends

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

on falling asleep

must touch
being certain
are touching
touch being certain
you being

oh, and this kid. who is so fly he even sleeps in a cool his swim shorts. all tan and beautiful.

Wednesday, August 5, 2015

a little more on Complex Motor Stereotypies: i get excited and it comes through my body

In an interview with Joe Cocker:
Q:  "Where did your unique dancing style come from?"

A: "You mean my arm movements?  I actually saw myself with Eric Clapton - you know you see all your old stuff on YouTube now - and I was horrified at myself, with my arms just flailing around.  I guess that came with my frustration at never having played piano or guitar.  If you see me nowadays I'm not quite so animated, but it's just a way of trying to get feeling out- I get excited and it all comes through my body."

another video when he was older

Monday, August 3, 2015

Complex Motor Stereotypy or ASD

Everett has some quirk going on in his life.  I became concerned at about 18 months when he stopped using words he had already learned.  Right now he has a vocab of a whopping three words.  I am flattered "mom" is one of them.
In addition to his speech delay and regression there is this hand flapping he does when he is excited. Of course the combination of these two give me pause.  He is scheduled for testing at a pediatric neurologist, but in the meantime he has been having some early intervention and speech therapy.  The consensus is that everyone is perplexed by the enigma that Everett is.  He does not seem autistic due to his empathy, eye contact, affection, and socialization.  However, he's got something going funky in that little brain of his.
I over research and over think everything, so I have had many hours of concern.  It seems as if Everett enters into his own world, far far away, when he starts flapping. I can bring him back to me by calling his name or touching him.  Other adults with CMS have described this flapping as a very creative outlet which allows them to enter a space that is fascinating, engrossing and safe.  That is a relief.  Where can I sign up for this? I will go with you Ev.  Flap and fly my pollito.
he was moving his hands and mouth at 6 months...
i just thought he was jazzed about life. 

Friday, July 24, 2015

Most excuses are flimsy at best. Mine as well.

Thank you for the update. I suppose 
it was needed: helping aging parents, 
recording music, traveling, teaching, romancing.
This is all so positive and delightful.  
I am a little dizzy taking it all in right now. 
I am not sure why.

I just moved houses. Again.  
It's a whirlwind in the Vegas summer.
 Maybe that is why I am dizzy.  
The home is in an older area 
a wood burning fireplace, huge pine trees 
that litter my pool by the minute.  
It is a process getting to know a house
we are having quite a fiery relationship so far.  
Our second night the pool pump was stuck by lightening. 

I might have blamed my girl if everything burned, 
it was her prompting and insistence that we move.  
She has two more years living with me 
I admit, I will give that girl anything she wants. 
She seeks a new set of faces to entertain her.  
And a female track coach...the previous ones  
rub me the wrong way. As most people do.

I completed legal work for Vanity Fair. 
Dan, that great guy Dan, gave him my number.  
 Wrongful deaths of Cirque performers. 
That is how the legal work goes right now:
sporadic and upon my choosing.  
Being queen of my army is the focus.  
But, I will take the job that came last night 
a hygienist at the dental office I go to
scammed out of her life savings 
by love on a dating website.  
Ah, love.

Love...then marriage. Congratulations dear. 
That is relevant news. If I make the invite list 
I will be sure to wear something other then black.  
 As marriage was made legal nationwide 
There was felt a tinge of sadness.  Simply because 
some dear friends will now 
experience the interesting conundrum 
that including the state in a love affair can cause.
 Yet, I am old-ishly jaded. Let's celebrate!

Thursday, July 23, 2015

babies, backyards and bottles

"Each second we live is a new and unique moment of the universe, a moment that will never be again. And what do we teach our children? We teach them that two and two make four, and that Paris is the capital of France. When will we also teach them what they are? We should say to each of them: Do you know what you are? You are a marvel. You are unique. In all the years that have passed, there has never been another child like you. Your legs, your arms, your clever fingers, the way you move. You may become a Shakespeare, a Michelangelo, a Beethoven. You have the capacity for anything. Yes, you are a marvel." Pablo Casals

Friday, April 3, 2015

This baby is smiley, bendy (seriously double jointed in 90% of his body), tumbly, and just sweet as sweet can be.  I assume him and Everett will be compared a lot since they are so close in age.  They are two VERY different souls.  Ev is complex, smart and manipulative.  Ezra is gregarious, simple and straightforward.  At the ripe age of one it seems as if I can say that this boy has no guile, nor will he ever.  He is Deacon's spirit baby, and Everett is Deven's.
Ezra is my only child to walk before one.  I was worried about him walking due to his ankles and feet being so super flexible.  He is a champ. He is wandering all over the house and yard, typically following Ev or the dog.  He has a deep gutteral laugh that he gives to his family freely. If you are sitting on the floor he will come bury his head into you and flop his body over you.  Our human lap blanket.  He is so silly in a physical way.
Ezra will tackle Everett in good fun and often win since Ev is more high strung. Ez will take stuff he wants now and will not always let Ev take stuff from him.  The struggle between these two will get more real as the months pass, and I love every minute of them together.
He eats a lot.  2 to 3x more then Everett. I think he eats more then me.  He stopped baby food months ago and loves food.  This morning I was peeling a banana for him, he grabbed the whole thing and within minutes had eaten it all.  The only thing he has not liked was hot dogs.  Those are a no go.
He says the sound "mom" but otherwise has no words.  He can copy me when I click my tongue or clap my hands.
In his car seat he is comatose.  Ev is jazzed and excited looking out the window.  Ezra is slumped over barely alive.  Yesterday Ev kept lifting Ezra's head up off his armrest "sit up fool!"

I look back at last year at this time and it was a bit crazy.  This stage of baby life is sweet and full of heartbursting moments of love and joy.  Ezra is a solid soul.  He is mine, as he should be.

spring breaky

the girl had a track meet at the college in santa barbara, so i combined it all into our vacay.
she took second overall in the 100 hurdles, 100 dash and 4x4 relay; which is fab.  poor nevada kids who think they are great are often humbled by california athletes.  not this girl.
 mexican food at the playa. some clown put celery in my veggie burrito. come on.
church at 9 where it was mainly old people.  i guess they are the only ones who can afford to live in santa b.  then breakfast at Janine's. feeding these people is non stop.
one on one with deven was a segway tour up to montecito.  we segwayed by ty warners house.  crazy wealthy.
 one on one with deacon was the zoo.  baby giraffe nursing from its mom, ahhh.  i feel ya momma.
this gorilla was AMAZING. freaked me out a little, but we spent a long time right at the glass with this guy.
feeding lettuce to Michael...this is by far the most enjoyable zoo experience i have ever had.  it is still sad and unnatural.  but this kid and i had a blast.
char and i did one on one at the salt caves. it was cool. we got a couples massage in a salt cave. i don't like the inside of my ears or armpits massaged so that was a buzz kill, but otherwise we enjoyed ourselves. we also found her a prom dress. 

the girl drove home. we played the name game. sang real loud to some random songs. i would call it all a success.

Thursday, March 26, 2015

this myth of a unified self...i can't

 march was exciting, as you can tell from everett's pose #aerosmith
 there was a lot of car time due to all the activities #macrubywoo
 there was some very sick time #3AMemergencyroom
 there was a lot of little boy time and they made the living room into a permanent four square arena #justsocksontilecauseinjuries
 some scout stuff for deven #heloveshismom
 mall time with grandma to get gifts for the birthdays this month #kissylips
 physical therapist time because her shins are being problematic #iamnotconvinedthishelps
basketball wrapped up #tallgirlscanhelp
 then the next day soccer started #slickhaircut
she turned 16 #traditionalbirthdaytable
we had a legit party that annoyed the HOA and wrecked the house #75teenagers
 the next morning was an early invitational #alwaysfirstplace
 that afternoon we hosted the Sadies group #zachhymas
 some mornings i have to feed them all at the same time outside #earthing 
 deven spends so much time with his little brothers cuz he worries about moving out when they are so little and them not remembering living with him. #deepthinker
some more sick time with high fevers  #crazymomonWebMD
then this guy had a first birthday #burieshisheadalot
after all the parties, sick, events and living i cleaned the house. then made the boys eat outside to keep it clean
...for at least like an hour. #sweatsinmoderationdeven

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

a day in life

how much are we all pretending that stuff matters? like it is even of minuscule value if charly raises her grade in chemistry, deacon practices piano, i figure out how to use this sony camera before the first track meet? it does not matter. that pressing fact keeps me disengaged from many aspects of living. but, the soft white skin of these babies...i could snuggle that all day everyday. no lie.

my god, just love. love others. love hard. love well. 
(love the long necked people and the no neck people all the same)
the rest is dross.

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

San Fran with the big littles part 2

 Love when the girl Snapchats me without me knowing. (my Torts professor always said facts are like pennies you attention to them and you will be rich. This snapchat was making fun of me for being excited about the ferry ride.)
Lunch at the Rotunda at Neiman Marcus.  The popover and strawberry butter was a hit. (Hidden fact: the ring on her necklace is from her 17 year old boyfriend, her hair is in a bun cuz it is humid in San Fran and she was having hair issues, the boy is wearing two bracelets from Chinatown cuz that is his traditional souvenir; bracelets, his hair is not done cuz he forgot to pack all personal hygiene stuff: no gel, no toothbrush, ya know.)
Dev finally decided what he wanted to order.  That kid and his food this trip was hilarious. "I'd like the crab mac and cheese without the crab."  = $24 mac and cheese. Come on.
 Trolley rides. Lots of them. (He sharpied Chinese symbols on his arm the night before)
 Tourist heart photo.
 MLK Waterfall memorial.
After a brisk walk through the back alleys of Chinatown. These two were clowning the whole time and did not argue. It was a tender mercy inspired by my threats.  
It was a fabulous trip. I did not even get anxiety about not being with the babies.  That was a huge win.  I am thankful for my brother who took Deacon to the monster truck show in Salt Lake while we were gone, and my sweet mom who watched the babies.  She really took one for the team when she got stung by a scorpion in the house that Ezra had just crawled past. Hey, universe...what is the point of being 74 and getting stung by a scorpion?