Friday, November 21, 2014

a lesson by everett

on what to do when your brother sits next to your bae (his mom is his bae, of course)

Wednesday, November 19, 2014


the things we accomplish to feed ego in this life fade quickly. to create life, to watch a human being take it's first breath...not a damn thing compares.
3/24/14 Ezra
8 months later he slides under chairs and motorboats.  phenomenal.

Sunday, November 16, 2014

self professed co-dependent

"Self-harm, my soul, you are doing self harm: and you will have no more opportunity for self-respect. Life for each of us is a mere moment, and this life of yours is nearly over, while you still show yourself no honour, but let your own welfare depend on other people's souls."  Marcus Aurelius

my own welfare absolutely depends on other people's soul. these five kids take up some serious energy. in a good way. it forces me not to be here. maybe out of an iridescent cloud i will emerge a decade or so, or sooner. for now, i got this freckle faced genius to hang out with. it is certain he will leave me. then i will find myself walking through the woods with a big purple backpack looking for a ginger hippie who needs help. it will happen.

Saturday, November 1, 2014

Monday, October 27, 2014

so many metaphors.

this lil photo sesh yesterday turned hilarious as his older brother was his (anti) stylist, creepy Halloween goers in gas masks were walking around, and we found 3/4 bottle of cinnamon whisky in the desert to crush on a rock.  let's not discuss how big he is getting, or how he is still growing up...let's just focus on how good looking this kid is. model material. his sister is annoyed i was not a better momager for this kid.

we did a quick run through at bonnie springs when we were done. saw the peacocks and stuffed llama. good times.

Sunday, October 26, 2014


it is highly probable that if i am able to recall this mortality i am living long after i am gone, this scene will be on my favorites list for sure. "feeding babies. firm fleshed yet super squishy. softest skin. hot sweet head. the rhythmic swallow. flesh of my flesh. i really loved that about life."

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

time. it is scarce. i suppose it is still mine to choose what to do with. operating in ten minute increments seems to prevent me from doing anything meaningful. ten minutes to write a poem, or repaint a piece of furniture, or draft a lends itself to non committal projects. in ten minutes, or less, i will be summoned. 

Monday, October 20, 2014

what to say: thanks universe

about this RISE festival...sometimes beauty is surrounded by nightmare.

the end result was memorable. 10 thousand people gathered in the middle of the mojave desert on yoga mats. we busted out our picnic. wrote on our sky bound lanterns in preparation for the first communal release. their first lantern message they wrote was "i hope for this..." "i seek for this...". we lit the lantern and set them loose all at the same time. my heart felt like it skipped some beats. my 15 year old girl was giggling and twirling. my 13 year old boy was silent in awe. the messages on their next lantern was "god is great" and "families are forever."

thanks for the double rainbow that night's sunset, for the vast desert, for the lanterns that did not catch on fire, for no riots, for connection, and for these two humans. they are 10 thousand times more delightful then i ever could have imagined.

truly a middle child

the past two years this kid got the shaft on a birthday celebration. so, this past week was all about him.  oh, it was on. he ate it up and gave me great joy with his joy.  the whole week was filled with celebration.  (don't forget, self, that he said on his 14th birthday he wanted a dance party with a cotton candy machine so his little brothers could dance like he danced at his sister's 14th party).
 dodge ball soccer
tug o war
languid for a minute

son, you light up each and every day. in a big way. it is kinda your shtick and it really works.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

cute all over

"i have already lost touch with a couple people i used to be." joan didion

the sentiment of postmodern american poetry: make it new. life is not NOW it is FOR now, and for now and for now. as a girl the dreams of travel, career, husband, home and children was what filled my thoughts of the future.  check, check, check, check, check.  the last of my little girl dreams are fulfilled or forcefully erased.  it is time to get some new dreams. middle age dreams. old lady dreams. they are coming.  rich, plentiful, somewhat fanciful...they are coming.

this baby making phase of life is over. as a sweet parting gift , for some reason, this last baby of mine has evoked that 10 year old obsession i had with babies.  i found them to be so cute.  i have felt adoration for each child i have had, but this "oh my goodness his knuckles are so darn cute" (giggle) has just been a kick.  it is as if that person i was 20 years ago is still around but simply living in an older body.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

for real tho

"the precedent of the real mocks us." ann lauterbach

Sunday, October 5, 2014

zen no more

so a little weekend painting, reading and music interlaced with homecoming, soccer, friends and conference.  conference on the jambox was fab. the bass of their voices touched my feelers. visually i could focus on the canvas whilst listening.  that holland guy gets me every time.
in context the talk was discussing succoring the poor. so mary brought some expensive ointment for Jesus and some guy was giving her flack and her son said "Let her alone...She hath done what she could."

of course i take this out of context and apply it to my life, right? yes. last week deven and i were having a discussion regarding his teenage opinion of me as a mother. (when do they get to have opinions?)
his assertion "mom, nothing ever seems good enough for you."
to which i replied, "you may be right, but you are good enough for me. i give you positive support (this is a dead point if i have to illuminate it for him). just realize that the expectations i have of you are 100x less then what i have for myself. you want to live in my brain?"
he paused. "no. i do the best i can mom."
"dev, that is a convenient lie people tell themselves."
"wow mom."

but look at this! here is a scripture supporting dev's claim that doing what we can is enough. maybe one day my son will have to explain his mother with this saying, "she hath done what she could." put it on my tombstone. until then, i will be savoring these 5! babies (i love the number 5 and its multiples), jamboxing to some radiohead, and beating myself up for buying some expensive not-impressive kerastase shampoo...all the while knowing i could do more.

Mark 14:8  
maybe virgos should not have kids.

Friday, September 26, 2014

desperate for health

"Let food be thy medicine..." Hippocrates

The second part of that quote is "and medicine be thy food."
The kids think this tastes like "the guts of a pumpkin, mixed with band aids."  It is green apple, kale, a bit of spinach (from dev's garden), romaine, banana, hemp seeds, almond butter, ice. It does not taste like band aids. It is delish and i love myself a beverage as food.
Dev wanted his own garden. He was building the box while Char was practicing back flips. She decided to help out/take over.
He put up the fence to keep out bunnies and babies, then installed a watering system. Voila. Medicine.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

no heros here

...this hero that you're trying to maintain as the central figure in the drama of your life -- this hero is not enjoying the life of a hero...Finally, one day you say, "Let him die-- I can't invest any more in this heroic position." Leonard Cohen
i gave this kid a volcanic betonite clay rub down today.  he definitely was not a hero about it all. he made it very clear he would rather have toxins in his body then have clay on his skin.  come on? it is mud, you like mud! nope. he knew i had some agenda and he was having none of it. how dare he be interrupted from slamming the piano as hard as he could for this nonsense.  yet has there existed a near 2 year old that feels so deeply about so many things. you're right ev, it is too expensive to be a hero. it is also too expensive to let you play with my sunglasses.  so, give them back.