Friday, January 2, 2015

Everett Lee

I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.

The funniest thing about him is the way he likes to grow--
Not at all like proper childen, which is always very slow...

 "My Shadow"  Robert Louis Stevenson

This boy turned two.  He is a gift that came to me when I was least deserving.  He has healed and grounded our family in such a profound way. 
His eyes have changed from his original deep blue to a crystalline blue green.  Those eyes gazed at me while he was an infant and still often stare at my eyes in communication. He arrived with unique personality that has grown so comedic he dominates most of the photos on my camera roll. His strong will makes the theory of child redirection obsolete. He cannot be persuaded to any other path then the one he has his mind set to at the moment.  This trait leads to many tantrums and much frustration since I have to thwart many of his ideas. (here I had taken away my iphone...tragedy)
  As much as I am his buzz kill, I am his delight.  He is a finicky friend to even his family and will not keep company with many of them unless he decidedly is in the mood, however, he is always game for his mom.  He is always game for his dog.  He loves dogs and has a best buddy in his dog Cooper.  He enjoys his dog way more then he enjoys his baby brother. For now.
Everett is so intelligent.  He understands English very well, but has yet to speak much of it.  He says mom, hot, up, apple, hello there and deven.  However, his communication is exacting even without words.  If I have the baby in my arms he will wave his grandma over and motion for her to take the baby so I can hold him.  
Our park play dates always have him immediately leaving the pack of kids to wander on his own.  He likes climbing the big dirt hill by the park, or throwing dirt from the flower pots out front, or digging in the dirt out back.  He also loves balls and can throw very well and hard.  
His appetite is small and he prefers fresh fruit and meat over any typical kid foods.  He will spit out macaroni and cheese, potato foods or pasta and say "uck." However, I think he has developed a taste for dog food as he will often enjoy a shared meal of kibble with Cooper.
Thirteen year old Deven has become very fond of him and he prefers Deven over any of his siblings. Most mornings I walk into Deven's room to find Everett in bed sleeping on Deven's chest.  Ev loves 8 year old Deacon, but Ev bullies him around.  Deacon's sweet personality is dominated by this demanding two year old. After spending the day with Everett, my sister in law sent me an article in a parenting magazine "Raising a Strong Willed Child -- It is not a Bad Trait." 
When she thought no one was listening the other day, my mom expressed to Everett, as he was clowning, "I hope I get to see you grow into an adult, because you will be a unique man."  We all look forward to each day with you kid.  You are a force to be admired.

Sunday, December 21, 2014

2014 Christmas

this is the final cast for my christmas cards.  and we live on the edge...notice the fire on despite two mobile irrational boys. they were more interested in dismantling the tree. the tree the older kids insisted on putting on the floor. they promised they would fix whatever the babies took off.  


"there is not love of life without despair about life" -albert camus

early each morning i drop my girl off.  i treasure this drive, since it will only happen for a few months longer. then she will drive herself. and she will drive her brother since they will be in high school together. anyway, this was the above scene on my drive home (to get my 8 year old rolling). this was often my drive home at 5:30 pm on the 95 coming from the courthouse a few years ago.  there are distinct times when the glare from the sun is blinding, yet i am driving in it.  i am fully aware i cannot really see. if something were to run in front of me i doubt i would react. (even worse view with my dirty window from a snow day trip last weekend,)

remember Meursault in Camus' novel The Stranger? he was walking on the beach and accidentally shot someone because the sun was in his eyes. after reading that book i launched into a full study of absurdism. in a nutshell it is:  the only legitimate question any human must contemplate is suicide. do you continue to live? if so, why?  pick one of two options:
1. you continue to live despite the absurdity of life, loss, death and the possibility of no meaning at all.
2. you continue to live and make some leap toward some god, hope, faith, religion, etc. as giving meaning to life.

right? i guess. who knows...i suppose sometimes we vacillate between 1 and 2. i am always a step away from running over something i don't see because i am driving into the sun. but hey, that is life. it is absurd. but, so is pretty much everything. and i love it
he spends time with linens over his head 
navigating the house. 
he does not mind running into walls and stuff. 
maybe he is practicing for driving while he can't see one day.
(i painted one of his toenails pink. it is a tradition i do with my boys) 

Friday, November 21, 2014

a lesson by everett

on what to do when your brother sits next to your bae (his mom is his bae, of course)

Wednesday, November 19, 2014


the things we accomplish to feed ego in this life fade quickly. to create life, to watch a human being take it's first breath...not a damn thing compares.
3/24/14 Ezra
8 months later he slides under chairs and motorboats.  phenomenal.

Sunday, November 16, 2014

self professed co-dependent

"Self-harm, my soul, you are doing self harm: and you will have no more opportunity for self-respect. Life for each of us is a mere moment, and this life of yours is nearly over, while you still show yourself no honour, but let your own welfare depend on other people's souls."  Marcus Aurelius

my own welfare absolutely depends on other people's soul. these five kids take up some serious energy. in a good way. it forces me not to be here. maybe out of an iridescent cloud i will emerge a decade or so, or sooner. for now, i got this freckle faced genius to hang out with. it is certain he will leave me. then i will find myself walking through the woods with a big purple backpack looking for a ginger hippie who needs help. it will happen.

Saturday, November 1, 2014

Monday, October 27, 2014

so many metaphors.

this lil photo sesh yesterday turned hilarious as his older brother was his (anti) stylist, creepy Halloween goers in gas masks were walking around, and we found 3/4 bottle of cinnamon whisky in the desert to crush on a rock.  let's not discuss how big he is getting, or how he is still growing up...let's just focus on how good looking this kid is. model material. his sister is annoyed i was not a better momager for this kid.

we did a quick run through at bonnie springs when we were done. saw the peacocks and stuffed llama. good times.

Sunday, October 26, 2014


it is highly probable that if i am able to recall this mortality i am living long after i am gone, this scene will be on my favorites list for sure. "feeding babies. firm fleshed yet super squishy. softest skin. hot sweet head. the rhythmic swallow. flesh of my flesh. i really loved that about life."

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

time. it is scarce. i suppose it is still mine to choose what to do with. operating in ten minute increments seems to prevent me from doing anything meaningful. ten minutes to write a poem, or repaint a piece of furniture, or draft a lends itself to non committal projects. in ten minutes, or less, i will be summoned. 

Monday, October 20, 2014

what to say: thanks universe

about this RISE festival...sometimes beauty is surrounded by nightmare.

the end result was memorable. 10 thousand people gathered in the middle of the mojave desert on yoga mats. we busted out our picnic. wrote on our sky bound lanterns in preparation for the first communal release. their first lantern message they wrote was "i hope for this..." "i seek for this...". we lit the lantern and set them loose all at the same time. my heart felt like it skipped some beats. my 15 year old girl was giggling and twirling. my 13 year old boy was silent in awe. the messages on their next lantern was "god is great" and "families are forever."

thanks for the double rainbow that night's sunset, for the vast desert, for the lanterns that did not catch on fire, for no riots, for connection, and for these two humans. they are 10 thousand times more delightful then i ever could have imagined.

truly a middle child

the past two years this kid got the shaft on a birthday celebration. so, this past week was all about him.  oh, it was on. he ate it up and gave me great joy with his joy.  the whole week was filled with celebration.  (don't forget, self, that he said on his 14th birthday he wanted a dance party with a cotton candy machine so his little brothers could dance like he danced at his sister's 14th party).
 dodge ball soccer
tug o war
languid for a minute

son, you light up each and every day. in a big way. it is kinda your shtick and it really works.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

cute all over

"i have already lost touch with a couple people i used to be." joan didion

the sentiment of postmodern american poetry: make it new. life is not NOW it is FOR now, and for now and for now. as a girl the dreams of travel, career, husband, home and children was what filled my thoughts of the future.  check, check, check, check, check.  the last of my little girl dreams are fulfilled or forcefully erased.  it is time to get some new dreams. middle age dreams. old lady dreams. they are coming.  rich, plentiful, somewhat fanciful...they are coming.

this baby making phase of life is over. as a sweet parting gift , for some reason, this last baby of mine has evoked that 10 year old obsession i had with babies.  i found them to be so cute.  i have felt adoration for each child i have had, but this "oh my goodness his knuckles are so darn cute" (giggle) has just been a kick.  it is as if that person i was 20 years ago is still around but simply living in an older body.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

for real tho

"the precedent of the real mocks us." ann lauterbach