Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Reasons always came with a purpose, to give the appearance of a struggle between principle and desire. But there's been no struggle. Principle had power only until you found what you had to have. Tobias Wolff "The Night in Question"

What doesn't kill you doesn't make you stronger. The dead are not necessarily in a better place. The testing of faith may not proceed the miracle. 

Monday, March 17, 2014

she is a complete thing


gertrude stein wrote verbal portraits of two painters: picasso and matisse.  of picasso she wrote:

One whom some were certainly following was one who was completely charming. One whom some were certainly following was one who was charming...some were certainly following and were certain that the one they were then following was one bringing out of himself then something that was coming to be a heavy thing, a solid thing and a complete thing. One whom some were certainly following was one working and certainly was one bringing something out of himself then and was one who had been all his living had been one having something coming out of him. Something had been coming out of him, certainly it had been coming out of him, certainly it was something, certainly it had been coming out of him and it had meaning, a charming meaning, a solid meaning.  "Picasso" 1912

and of matisse she wrote:
Some said of him that he was greatly expressing something struggling. Some said of him that he was not greatly expressing something struggling.  He certainly was clearly expressing something, certainly sometime any one might come to know that of him.  Very many did come to know it of him that he was clearly expressing what he was expressing...Any one could be certain that he was expressing something being struggling. Some were certain that he was greatly expressing this thing. Some were certain that he was not greatly expressing this thing.  Every one could come to be certain that he was a great man. Any one could come to be certain that he was clearly expressing something. "Matisse"

there are types of greatness. some people experience it like picasso where it just flows out of them with seeming little effort.  some people are like matisse where they work and struggle to achieve greatness. both types are amazing to watch.  my oldest is a picasso greatness.
video
she illustrated this again this past week as she competed in her first ever track meet.  she is a freshman who ran the 100m hurdles, 100 sprint, 300m hurdles and 400. after her first event EVER she qualified for regionals, broke her high school record, qualified to go to santa barbara and earned her varsity letter. as proud as i was, was also as dumbfounded as i was. she had a crowd rush her in a huge hug "certain that the one they were then following was one bringing out of (her)self then something that was coming to be a heavy thing, a solid thing and a complete thing."
i am certain of it too.





Thursday, March 13, 2014

perpetual spring

my precious mom is turning seventy. 7-0. when filling out her birthday card i wrote "here is to 70 more", like as a joke, but it really isn't funny. at all. let's not ruminate on that. rather, how about this idea in Navajo myth of the changing woman:
according to legend, Changing Woman changes continuously but never dies.  She grows into an old woman in winter, but by spring, she becomes a young woman again.  In this way, she represents the power of life, fertility, and changing seasons.

i have been working on an essay of how women can be labeled as crazy, fluctuating, etc. we go thru so many cycles of death and rebirth that of course we change.  how in nature's law could we not change?  if anybody represents the power of life it is my mom. and hello, she has learned to use an iphone and instagram, if that is not becoming a young woman again then i don't know what is. she may possibly be on her phone more than my teenage daughter. which is awesome.
note: iphone camera always ready to capture: baby so excited he got his brother's hat on he's going to combust

let's celebrate moms, change, life, babies, old age, seasons, spring... and worn soft old t-shirts on white skin woman with natural dark hair.
2014 vs. 2010

Thursday, February 13, 2014

a reflective and serious study

how my little "neighbors" the sun and moon are going to get the football under the trampoline, without getting off of the trampoline.

On the branches of laurel
Sat two shadowy pigeons.
One of them was the sun
The other the moon.

Little neighbors, I asked them,
Where am I buried?
In my tail said the sun.
In my craw said the moon.

"Ballad of the Shadowy Pigeon" --Jack Spicer

Thursday, January 23, 2014

another zoo of the new

"In a strange room you must empty yourself for sleep.  And before you are emptied for sleep, what are you.  And when you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are emptied for sleep you are not.
And when you are filled with sleep, you never were.  I don't know what I am.  I don't know if I am or not."
William Faulkner "As I Lay Dying"

Saturday, January 18, 2014

fun being his mom

often times i have this boy put away his phone because i want his time, or want him to engage with others. when i get this look from him i know it is either time to go, or it is time to let him on his phone. next time i think i will start singing this song to him:
i'd go hungry i'd go black and blue,
i'd go crawlin down the avenue
oh there's nothing that i wouldn't do
to make you feel my love

Sunday, January 12, 2014

lil bunny foo foo


Night of the Lepus

first world problem: there are so many bunnies that come into my backyard that it is basically a yard of bunny pellet droppings taking over the grass. there is a chicken wire fence to keep them out, they don't care. nor do they care that my crawling 1 year old is vehement that these droppings are the tastiest snack around. he is mad for them. crazy bunnies, crazy baby.

Saturday, January 11, 2014

famous blue raincoat


you treated my woman to a little flake of your life...
yes, and thanks, for the trouble you took from her eyes
i thought it was there for good so i never tried

songs with words like this. love.

Friday, January 10, 2014

everybody waits

there is an album called "The Best of Marcel Marceao" (sic) it is a long silence. followed by applause.
tonight, other nights it is silence, it is waiting.
then bravo, applause.

coconut milk hair goo

so the girl has some scalp issues.  after she lost an expensive biolage treatment shampoo (i am not sure how you "lose" shampoo) i concocted this little hair mask for us:
3/4 can coconut milk
2 tablespoons olive oil
1 1/2 table spoons honey
lil vitamin E oil
mix it, massage well into scalp, saturate ends, apply plastic bag and leave on a few hours. the protein in the coconut milk makes hair stronger, allegedly helps with that fungus that causes dandruff, honey balances the protein.  i washed my hair a couple times and rinsed really well in the shower and all was well.  the girl only shampooed once and the next day at school a gal asked her "is your hair like wet?" so...shampoo good, rinse good.
the next night she came bouncing into my room "guess what? my flakes are all gone. like, all gone." valid. blowin in the wind hair.

awesome Bruce Springsteen quote usage
how i feel about public education at times
Gary Cooper's last words to the public before his death

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

toxic



crazy. scary. out of control. we live in a toxic world, it is inevitable. the past couple weeks over christmas vacay we have been sick. flu, cold, cough, bronchitis. passed from kids to adults, back to kids. at one point i thought it was whooping cough, because i can be alarmist.  of which i have not vaccinated my youngest against for fear of vaccines and awareness of my ignorance despite my research.
it stresses me out that my oldest son eats ramen, which is made to survive the apocalypse, another drinks diet mountain dew, the girls curl relaxer, microwave popcorn, toxic, toxic. short of me being crazy police lady almost all the time this stuff happens.
i give it my effort to eat clean, clean organic, detox regularly, exercise, have our barefeet in the dirt, ingest coconut oil, rub down with magnesium, body brush dry skin, drink keifer, etc. etc.
then all of this does not seem to matter so much in the face of morality, integrity, honesty; all of which is a reality each day for my kids at school. so like having my 7 year old not use the f-word, my 12 year old not get sent to the dean for "bullying" a kid that has two stud earring in his ears, my 14 year old not to engage in the trending activity of oral sex on the school bleachers which the guy who asked her to homecoming got caught engaging in...that makes me vomit a little in my throat.

it is telling
i love catcher in the rye
"mothers are all slightly insane."
yes. but look
how happy they are
eating metro pizza
in the car


Saturday, December 21, 2013

odes upon odes


I read Neruda's Ode to My Socks this morning to my son as he slurped his cream of wheat.  He preferred Ode to a Black Panther (his favorite animal), but in the former poem instead of socks I thought of my kids. How that impulse to put them in a golden cage and feed them melon brought me to tears the other day when talking to the girl.
She was insisting her going with a group of kids driving out to Red Rock to hike was a fine idea I should embrace.  A random 16 year old boy driving, are you kidding me, nah. nope, noway. She sighed, annoyed, "mom, you are judging this kid based on the boys you knew!" uh, yup. "mom, how am i supposed to make new friends if you won't let me go?" uh, there's other ways. (insert the ole it isn't my rule char, it is the lord's rule) and so on the conversation went until i just looked in her big big eyes and slightly sobbed, "you are my pearl of great price, my prize lovie, my one girl i am to protect. i would keep you in a closet and feed you crackers if i could." she looked at me as if i was crazy for crying, "fine, i just won't go." she left the room.

...
I resisted the mad impulse to put him (them)
in a golden cage and each day give him (them)
birdseed and pieces of pink melon.
Like explorers in the jungle
who hand over the very rare green deer
to the spit and eat it with remorse,
...
The moral of my ode is this:
beauty is twice beauty
and what is good is doubly good
...

or in my case quadruple good. this new boy is the companion of joy. i dare say that he is obsessed with me, but he is. no one compares in his mind to his mom. that is worth caging, for sure.


Saturday, November 30, 2013

another lou


you made me forget myself. i thought i was someone else. someone good.

Sunday, November 24, 2013

sunday morning vibe



lou doillon. fab. bangs for days. maybe maybe.

about the radest


"unbelievable machinery"
"magnificent origami"
"magic of the mechanisms"
"beyond human comprehension"
"mystery...magic...divinity"
"where does this intelligence of knowing that a fold can actually hold more information...turn into memory"
"the marvel that is us"
"the magic that is existence that is us"

the smartest people i come across are those that know that they don't know.