Awareness is Indicting
Our cultures and religions are disconnected from the woman. I refused to submit to those paradigms, yet I still chose to be a part of them. I chose to be a conscientious objector from the inside. I was bucking bishops, husbands, corporations, governments and people within those cages. I chose that suffering.
I chose the suffering of motherhood. The physical and emotional labor of raising 5 kids, who all have a form of neurodivergence (Deacon seems to be the most free of this, however, as the middle child he is also the most under the radar) to also be free has been exhausting. Enshrouded in the ignorance of Mormonism and the lack of safety and protection I received from anyone, especially those closest to me, it has been a battle to survive. Some days I still want to light Andrew on fire. Literally, burn his Land Rover, sport court, and white trash mansion to the ground. He knows this, and just laughs when I tell him such, saying, "I love you so much."
My neurospicy brain has struggled with the large weight I put on myself. The physical experience of being pregnant was pure torture from 2 weeks after conception until birth. It was not morning sickness, it was hyperemesis all 9 months. Hypersensitive. Having people, especially doctors, treat me like I was over reacting and insisting I was being dramatic or fostering an eating disorder was crazy for a 20 year old girl to experience. I had a doctor who would not let me out of the hospital when I was newly pregnant with Deven until I ate the hospital chicken because he had dealt with eating disorders with his wife and transferred his ignorance onto me. Having what feels like an alien that has taken over your body was bizzare and unnerving. Each baby had their own issues in utero, as newborns, as toddlers, all they way to this day.
I did not sleep for 25 years. From the time I got pregnant with Charly up until a year or so ago when I got my own space, I had not slept. I had insomnia, hallucinations, sickness, and had to self medicate to survive. Having 5 humans attached to you physically, mentally and spiritually all the time is fundamentally traumatic. I showed up and loved them as best as I could and can with my beat up body and over extended soul.
This is an accurate description of an autistic woman said by a man and parenthesized by a woman:
"She is spoiled (sensitive), selfish (overstimulated), self centered (hyperfixations), this woman believes the sun should rise and set according to her needs (has unmet support needs). Her uncontrollable temper (emotional disregulation) flares up at the slightest imagined provocation. Heartless (CPTSD), scheming (dissociated) always ready (scripting) to attack the unsuspecting male. Her weapons are her looks (pretty privilege as protection), her personality and her youth (high masking). Deadly mortal weapons which never cease to fascinate her (special interests)."
la Sofferenza
do you trust Suffering
as sacred?
pain in the moment
isn't a story of suffering
souls are not the age
of the body
the child is ready for it
whatever it is
kicking
against the divine
baby trafficking
ordained or not
raging at transactional sex
advanced by pornography
is a reflection of you(r)
darkness manifested in genocide
recoiling from locker room conversations
playing rape in the dark
where you were born
Awareness is indicting
the malady of the five monkeys is
when one reaches for the banana
spray the other four with water
then they will stop the one
systemic darkness is embedded in
whatever we witness in the world
we can trace back to our own accountability
there is a mother teresa and hitler in all of us
we are toddlers as a culture
in relationship to suffering
icky sympathy promotes victimhood
it is not in unity consciousness
sympathy pacifies the intensity
bypassing, rather than being
in relationship to what is happening:
badass souls having
a homeless experience
unboxed and seen
whose foundation was laid by you
the knowingness is
that we chose all this
congratulations on being
terminal
curiosity and awe in the courtroom
of consciousness
our decisions create the world
we judge
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