Alchemizing Yourself
The personal transformation process is very well played out laid out in the framework of alchemy.
One of the books that I latched onto early in this process of transformation was the Emerald Tablets (ET) after reading the book "The Emerald Tablets: Alchemy for Personal Transformation" by Dennis William Hueck. The ET are a series of ancient text attributed to the legendary figure Hermes Trimegistus. They contain esoteric knowledge and teachings related to alchemy, spirituality and personal transformation. The exact number of stages can vary in different interpretations, but one commonly accepted framework of the seven stages of the alchemical process is:
1. Calcination: This stage involves subjecting the raw material to intense heat or fire, representing the dissolution or breaking down of the old self. It is letting go of limiting beliefs, attachments, and ego-driven patterns that hinder growth. This is that point in life where source brings you to your knees. It can be triggered by a variety or soul shaking events: car accident, illness, death, divorce, pandemic, whatever. For me it started in 2012 when anxiety attacks and depression slapped themselves on my life when I was living in Costa Rica. On top of that my nightmares were progressively getting worse, my sleep was getting less and less. The insomnia was madness. I would go days without sleeping.
There are distractions is this calcination phase when you are feeling the fire of disease. There are just as many distractions as there options for soul shaking events. My personal distraction after 2012 was making two more beautiful humans, while raising three other humans. The year all of us moved to Salt Lake, 2016-2017 was a doozy of a year on my nervous system and mental health...as well as our family.
The calcination phase took me almost 10 years due to the distractions. It was February 2021 that the furnace reached such an intense heat I threw in the towel. Something had to give way, and it did. This is where I cut everyone else's voices out of my life in order to effectively transform into Stage 2.
2. Dissolution: In this stage, the dissolved substance is purified and transformed into a solution. Similarly, personal examination of one's emotions, experiences, and thoughts to bring clarity and release any negative or stagnant energy. The hermit phase is lovely time to learn a bunch of new stuff you didn't know you didn't know.
3. Separation: The purified elements are separated from one another, distinguishing the essential from the non-essential. This stage involves discerning one's true values, desires, and aspirations from societal conditioning or external influences. This was the year 2021 to middle of 2022 for me. Still in my hermit phase this is where my psychic dreams were being claimed and mastered. It was a time to put new rituals and habits in place. To quiet my mind and world so I could begin to listen with ears that hear. Hear what? I heard via all my clair senses what was going where in my life, who is in and who is out in my life, what is in and what is out.
I wasn't even sure if I was in the "in crowd" of my given list, because I was being guided to become a plant medicine facilitator, to move my stuff to an office in Boulder City to start said facilitations, to study with a Native American dream shaman, to get Andrew on board with the psychic phenomena I was experiencing as well as wake him up. One night last summer I recall yelling at him in our kitchen "Wake the fuck up man!" WAAAAAAAKKKKKKEEEEE UUUUUPPPPP!" He did. Then I got the clear message "you have done enough." What does that mean? It was time for Andrew to start his own Stage 2 and 3, and I was guided to keep going with my process in a separate house.
That was confusing. Andrew and I had just gotten on the same page with a lot. Things were fine. Except for my dreams. They were not fine. Then, per usual, they turned to nightmares. The last two nightmares of Andrew were absurd. One was one where Andrew as raping young girls and hurting my mom violently. I woke up and started laughing at how over the top the message was. So we decided Andrew would move mainly upstairs and I would stay downstairs.
The next night I was asleep upstairs and the dream was an intruder had come into our house and was holding Deacon at gunpoint . Andrew just stood there and watched Deacon get shot and said to me "I am doing the best I can." I did not wake up laughing from that one, rather sobbing. Andrew in the middle of the night holding me he said "Ness, I am doing the best I can."
The next day I looked at Zillow and found a house to rent. I did not want to move out. I did not want to leave Deacon. I did not want to disrupt the little boys lives. I moved out alone not knowing the reason. Many of the steps on this path are taken in faith with very little awareness of why or where decisions are leading. I felt strong armed into getting my own home, and that launched me into Stage 3.
4. Conjunction: The purified and essential elements are combined to form a new substance. This stage represents the integration of different aspects of oneself- such as the mind, body, and spirit- into a unified whole, fostering harmony and balance. So I was stripped of the distraction of giving energy to Andrew. I was stripped of the constant duty of cleaning a house of 4 males. With lesser distractions I was able to figure out how was I going to foster harmony and balance with learning how to live in this new phase of my life. As Andrew said, "this next phase of your life you are going to have to learn how to live with these abilities in a healthy way." He could not have said it better.
5. Fermentation: The newly formed substance undergoes a process of transformation and maturation, often described as the "dark night of the soul." This is where you face and work through challenges, difficulties, and internal conflicts to facilitate personal growth and development. In my adorable house alone I got to have several dark nights of the soul. I was guided to start writing again about what I was going through. I documented some of the internal conflicts I was having during that time on this blog as I felt I was guided to.
6. Distillation: The purified substance is distilled and refined further, removing impurities and enhancing its potency. This stage is about refining one's character, values, and behaviors, letting go of negative traits, and cultivating virtues that align with one's authentic self. The further refinement is a change of perspective. I started really starting to embody the truths I had learned about myself, the universe and my role in this play of life. This is a beautiful phase where you get to fall in love with yourself, forgive yourself and others, and regulate your nervous system to living in peace.
After you exhibit you can stay in love with yourself and your personal truths you move to stage 7.
7. Coagulation: The refined substance solidifies and stabilizes into its final form. This stage represents the integration and embodiment of personal growth, transformation and self-realization. It is solidly leading one to a sense of wholeness, purpose and enlightenment. This is where I am at now. Living in co-creation with source until this process starts again. It will start again at some point. We get to perpetually alchemize ourselves over and over in this life. Some cycles are more devastating than others, but each one refining.
That's it.
After having a shit sandwich served to me over and over I finally got my medicine from it. I moved through the accountability I had in my own trauma into equanimity with myself, others and the higher self/Mother Earth. Showing up in aligned ways was a beautiful process of falling in love with myself and claiming the gifts I have been given.
Now is the time of embodiment. It was a death of the old self and rebirth (the phoenix was very present during this work). Deep presence now in living in embodiment of all I have learned I realize that I am embodied, but in an infant stage. I feel like an embodied happy infant. This is the BEST phase of my life by far. I have broken deep generational curses and my ancestors celebrations are spilling over from other dimensions in physical ways.
We will traverse this alchemical process over and over in our lives. But this time I am conscious of my unconscious. The work I am doing now as I grow into a toddler is learning how to be consistently in tune with the signs, dreams and synchronicities of my life. As well as having the courage to act upon such promptings. The things I am being asked to show up for in an embodied way have been handed to me.
How novel it is not to exist in utter confusion under the numerous patriarchal systems of oppression.
Free will in my experience is interesting. Once these gifts are presented to me by the universe, the option of not taking them is available. However, if I don't take them my body and psyche get sick, dis-ease sets in. So, it feels like my higher self is strong arming me into making these steps forward. Steps that end up for my own good, but often times feel very illogical. Yet, the wisdom into forcing me is not just for my good, but for the good of all, so I see the method to the madness.
I have learned to embody that trust and diligently show up for the assignment. When spirit says "jump", I say "how high?" I am learning to recognize quicker when the embodiment phase of gold is shifting towards another rotation into the awareness gate of the lead that is still part of me. The alchemical processes are happening faster and faster and expansion of consciousness has been accelerated. It is beautiful and freeing.
I am headed back to Costa Rica on the 6th of July to partake of Ayahuasca. I feel deeply she will serve me a piece of the Fermentation pie. So yummy! Give me more dark nights of the soul. It is an honor to be human, for we are the ones making the unconscious conscious. Yes, we have to pay the price of experiencing duality, ego and fragmentation, but we are eternal energy...what else did we have to do but play a little game of life?
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