Implied Consent

I was stuck in the classic 7 year cycle after living in Salt Lake. I suggested we moved up there so Andrew could be close to his dad before he passed away, but the energies around me and my family in Salt Lake was deeply dark. I felt it viscerally. I have tried over and over to live there, but no matter the landscape, my body rejects that people and land. Utah feels like that movie "Something Wicked This Way Comes." Some of my soul fam lives there and I can't even bring myself to visit them because it is even a more grotesque clown show than Vegas. The new cult of people doing plant medicine sacrament makes me want to set myself on fire Lucille style.

That last year of my dad's life I found magical and wanted Andrew to have that with his dad. That was the year, 2016, the church released that absurd rule that kids of gay parents could not get baptized. Andrew got to spend precious time with his dad before he passed. He passed on Andrew's birthday. Take that however it resonates with you. These life and death transitions are heavy in my life. I was pregnant with Charly when her grandmother Charlene passed. I was pregnant with Everett when my dad passed. Paul passed on Andrew's birthday. That is the spirit team that knows I can see. 

My dad showed up last night in my dreams. He was waiting for a table at a restaurant and I walked by him and a few yards later turned around to catch his gaze. He smiled and nonchalantly waved at me: "Showtime." He used to say that when he walked out of the door of his home it was "showtime." This felt like he was saying it is the real showtime. No pretense. No illusion. The real show is authenticity.  

That pain is done and I am picking the other door. The amount of contortion and metamorphosis my body endured is nuts. It's impressive. Many people around me thought I was down for the count quite a few times since 1995. My grandmother told my mom when I was a child that "Vanessa will get very sick as an adult." Nailed it. I did, but now I feel great. Isn't it strange how so much of this energy slave farm called society is geared around keeping us in a perpetual state of fear, guilt and shame? Feeling good is an act of rebellion and the greatest spiritual practice that we can do. Feeling good unlocks magic. After I did my shadow work my burdens were removed and it allowed me to feel my good white magic self and feel good about others. Authenticity is imperative for my satisfaction with life. Sifting through that religious culture of darkness shed light on my truth. 

The savageness I have now comes from my heart space. I have a responsibility to balance energies as I revolutionize the systems of my family to what suits us. It won't suit any other family per se, but as the matriarch of my family, it suits mine. Mother is the most sacred creation this earth has. We spend 10 moons making those humans while the man had a good time in relations. Let's stop praising the male bravado father/son/holy ghost nonsense. Just turn on a news station, go to school, church and see everything is about men. Religious men think it is holy or cute to place women in boxes? These men have perverted truth. They are living a lie. The trinity is mother/father/children. Let's have some respect for the moms and not replace them with a male holy ghost. The four most oppressed things in this world, in order: god, Lucifer, women, dark skin. I don't care how much you are indoctrinated in religion, if you have a heart, integrity, and a moral compass there is no excuse to preach the patriarchal lies anymore. That is a level of ignorance I do not receive and will laugh in your face for.

There are growing cramps, not pains. Life feels different and I am not used to this type of presence. When goddess momma spirit reveals something to me I don't have time to worry about what people are thinking because I am too busy stepping into my greatness and abundant change. I often sit down and ask, "how did I deserve this?" Everything that I have been asking for is being given to me. Down to a new fabulous best friend whose design slogan is "Stay Stylish" and he is a lead ariel silk dancer at Chippendale's. I deserve Alex...and his husband Freddy. The soul family is such an overflow to help carry the burden of bringing the unconscious to light. Like anti-missionaries we are the leaders we wish we had as children. 

Now it is time for my children to really know truth. We have been programmed. I will take that programming away. Teach them to live by their intuition. To live their authentic best lives. Further, I support Andrew in whatever that man wants to do. To watch him so vibrantly free is one of my greatest joys. As a soul and as a father he is successfully laughing his way through each day. He fell into the ring of my fire but because he is mine I walked the line with and for him. When I met Andrew I was 26 with no plans to marry again. Ever. Being a single mother in law school were some of my happiest times. But I recognized Andrew. There is a Netfilx series called "OA" that has a couple that switches dimensions and in certain dimensions the man, Homer, does not remember who he really is, but the woman does remember and exerts much energy to get Homer to remember. Andrew is my Homer. He did not remember and even though most dreams and downloads I received was to let him figure it out on his own, after 17 years of him not being moved to grow, learn or change, I decided to intervene in his slumber. I just can't quit that man, because he is my person.

Honestly, I started small with him. For instance, I had his sensitive foot self go get a pedicure to practice breathing. Restraint of mind to affect his body. He was a 49 year old trapped in the dark matrix. He did not respond to his wife, his children, his body, nor his world. He responded mainly to his programming. The message that came through me to Andrew was for him to start practicing meditation, tantra and plant medicine. So, he did yoga with my beautiful sister Jennifer, meditation on the large screen TV in his room, I offered him plant medicine after arguments of him threatening divorce, tantra was confusing for him. I added a few more things in like past life regression led by a Native American, Gaia tv pushed on a road trip, Sedona mystic conference he asked to go to because at this point he realized my people knew something he did not know. Our whole marriage I operated out of my wounded masculine with Andrew. I refused to lead a grown ass man, therefore I would just do it myself. 2006 St. George was the unveiling of my nightmare with Andrew watching sports in the living room until 2 am. "Have no expectations Vanessa." That was his bar and I started this blog.

I would not lead him and he did not lead himself, so the result was stagnation. A cesspool of his culture was killing his family not so softly, yet he was able to look past the corpses lying in his wake. That was unparalleled oblivion. As many people in the church live in oblivion. His oblivion was implied consent to the destruction his tribe. As I worked with Andrew this past year Charly came to visit, she said, "I have never felt Dad so soft like that. Keep doing whatever you're doing mom. It is working." That baby Charly knew me before Andrew got to me. She loathed what killed her mom. "You used to be so creative, happy and free mom." She could not name it, for it was elusive. Trickster type energy moves that way: appearing as goodness but rotten. My two oldest children both felt this from Andrew and his family, so the fact that I chose to align with such energies caused in them a deep questioning of their mother. Validly so, but this momma had a karmic soul tie with Andrew that I chose to live out.

When Andrew and I were in the sealing room of the Salt Lake Temple, the sealer only spoke about the afterlife. How Andrew and I would be Priest and Priestess in some afterlife. I called bullshit in my mind during that sealing..."no here and now? no words on the present?'" Nope. This life together seemed irrelevant, and as I heard the voice in my head say "this is going to be hard" I scoffed at hard. What is harder than being trapped in a basement? Being trapped in illusion. The basement is tangible. I would take that trapped over the trapped in white knight truth mingled with absolute corruption. The former took a week to decipher, the latter took 17 years. I accepted that hard contract and have lived only to save Charly, Deven, Deacon, Everett and Ezra from the fiction of our families. I should have put myself first on the list, but the programming leaves the mother as staying sweet, praying and obeying. 

These past couple years Andrew rarely shut down my visions and dreams. He preferred me out of the way in my liminal dreams. Until I predicted the death of our neighbor kiddo. Then the prediction of Everett's head injury. On the plane ride home from Florida when Everett had cracked his skull I was looking at Andrew's profile as he sat next to me and the image switched (this is also a common reality for visionaries) and it turned to Andrew when he was an old man. The universe showed me what he would look like at age 80 if he stayed in his illusions. If he continued to ignore the signs of the universe...it was at his peril. Which is at our children's peril. Andrew being the happiest healthiest version of himself is what is best for our children, and that guy was trapped in the patriarchal asshole illusions. Which means that our children would be subject to his asshole illusions. I would like to thank all those people in our lives who illuminated at the perfect times what a joke those illusions are. Now my children have both parents free and on the same page. The holy trinity: Mother/father/children.

Programming begins from a very young age. The layers of unraveling to get to the nucleus of oneself is grueling. My nucleus knows that I am the only one who decides about my life. I see my life in a positive way and don't give the outside world power over the force that I am. We are not bound to a reality. Get rid of what keeps you small and powerless. Let go of the idea of being what you think you have to be. Nothing on the outside has power over you. You are the power itself and that is why it can never be lost. We are pure consciousness and are limitless. Heaven and earth has an open channel for humans.   

I am He, He is Me. Gnosis is the wisdom from the felt experience of having touched the unknown with every one of my senses. To any of the naysayers in our lives we say, 

hey, it's ok. 

we understand you have been 

through it. 

love each other. 

"they know not what they do." 

The earth is stretching a deep full body stretch. She is awake. Abused, exhausted by scars of sickness and ignorance; yet she is Pocahontas style calling her family to action. Those who are clear in their energy are experiencing a version of the earth that correlates with that frequency. This brings us to the version of this earth that suits us all. I am an earth sign, and those Virgo critical tendencies run deeper for myself than for any other. I am my harshest critic and question any group that accepts me. The humans who have no concept of negative capability can go run in a busy intersection. The balm of Gilead is in the trees, desert sand, red rock mountains, wildflowers, Vegas peaches and pomegranates, and West Virginia gardens. I am judgmental of my body because it toils. I am not jealous of any body...I am jealous of the trees who speak "there, there is no there in your wandering prayer of silence."

As we hold our center, it is time life became easier. It is time to walk away from the people that don't serve us. It is time to work smarter. Trust all will be as it is meant to be. The most efficient use of energy is the energy of love. As you live in love you enact a grander plan that will challenge and fulfill. We were made to be in our own uniqueness in all our supernatural divine ways