Happy New Year: You Will Not Want
3/20/23
My girl Hillary used to always say, "oh my gooodnessss, no nesssss didn't." She would say that about my jean boots, my poems and the way I could not play soccer. In 1992 she was my loquacious, audacious and without shame (that was her motto "no shame") closest human. Hillary was the girl who took the hair from my brush and fake coughed up a hair ball in front of the class, she diced up her tongue up with a lint remover, she got third degree sunburns with me in California, she hiked Red Rock with me into the night when Search and Rescue had to rappel us down, and she drove to Arizona at the final call I made in the middle of the night to leave my first marriage. That is how you have to leave...cut and run when you can escape. Then she became a heroin addict who lost one of her arms. I would spend hours looking for her on Oakey St. downtown with my two babies in the back seat. It is a quid pro quo game.
This Spring Break in Hawaii was a "oh my goodness" week. I would look at my tribe and say "Oh no you didn't gurl." Yes I did. The takeaways are:
1. My kids know.
2. The land and earth know.
3. We are a silent family because we know.
In family situations Everett is the only one talking non-stop when he is excited. The rest of us have that communication without speaking. The drives were quiet, the hikes were quiet, the house was quiet...except for the waves. In our silence we could hear.
I dream and hear truth in washes. Like the waves, if I listen, it will come and go. I described this knowing to Andrew last night as we drove to get food for everyone in the BYU Hawaii town. He asked, "Imagine if you told the church goers who see the dark and loathsome people what you know. They would call you crazy." We laughed at how long we gave our power over to an intermediary. I am a dream weaver, but it does not take a dream weaver to know that these are not dark and loathesome people. The Polynesian Cultural center sent a sullen sadness into Deven and I. A beautiful tribe of people who are connected to Gaia. Don't make them work at the PCC for tuition at BYU Hawaii. Isn't that a living museum? Also known as a zoo. I give thanks for Deven coming to be my partner in ripping systems to shreds.
We have direct access to the firmament now. I have it through my dreams...and it is so crazy. A "no you didn't gurl" type of crazy knowing. Spring Equinox 2023. The real New Year. Ostara. A palindrome week, when word or number sequences are the same when read either forwards or backwards. 32023. 32123. 32223 up to 32923. As these number reflect themselves, we can reflect on ourselves. The energy that we put out is the energy that we get back. Now that we have entered the Age of Aquarius it is a new time to out the energy you want back.
3/22/23
I am not sure what to say anymore when people coming to me telling me I have shown up in their dreams for multiple nights. I tell each of them to figure it out. We are strolling the Meadows Mall that is desolate three nights in a row together? Figure your life out. If I am showing people that mall, near Shade Tree headquarters, where a young girl was abducted in the 80's...that is on you and your life.
Anyway. Tonight I had the thought that my dad was partly nice to me during the last 8 months of his life because I was the only one willing to take care of him. Vana wanted no part. My brother wanted no part. His family was unable. I had my 3 year old Deacon in tow and Ev in my belly, so my dad was very nice when he called for a special run to CVS for Miralax or for a personal catheter. Deacon's long blonde haired self would go to preschool smelling like a chain smoking 70's Vegas bar after mornings in my dad's townhome. Deac would sit and play at the coffee table while I cleaned, organized and fed my dad. In that 8 months my dad was very articulate in explaining his side of the life story in a magnanimous way. It was all alleged. He was not around in my childhood not by his choice (allegedly), so he got to make up his own story.
I have kept all my kids right by my side step by step, so I can not come swooping in as the hero last minute with a random version of the story. Rather, I am the story, and each child has their own special version. Despite what many people thought I would not do, I did. I lived to tell the tale. The tale of living after death. The Persephone story. The woman of that gets to rule Hades part time then pop back to earth for most of the year. From that knowing you just dance between both worlds. Hence...
You will not want.
I was promised that in my patriarchal blessing and never knew what that meant fully until now. Once you attain christ consciousness while in this body, your crown chakra is opened and you are free of detachments...then you do not want. So that part of my PB finally came to pass. Read the Bhavadad Gita for some Krishna take on detachment. Krishna and Christ are interchangeable. It is a powerful place to exist. Some of us are in our power when we are alone, for that is where we hear spirit clearly.
3/27/23
27 is a big number for me and Saturn. Andrew and I's anniversary date is the 27th. I intentionally supplanted our anniversary with Everett's birthday by induction (I am so petty, or my dad who passed Ev in transit is so petty that not only did Everett take over our Anniversary, he may also had Everett have a Wharton's knot in his umbilical cord and autism?). 27 is the beginning of Saturn's return. Saturn is very uncomfortable for people as it can only expose people and be their reality check. I have gone through many cycles of rejection. They used to hurt; now they are entertaining. Ripping off people's masks with my lack of interest in flighty connections and small talk causes people to run.
The people who want to stay in their illusions walk the other way when they see me if they are not ready. Andrew was not ready but he married me on the 27th. Deep down he knew and wanted me to shred his illusions, no? Everett is people's reality check. No masks, no arrogance, no illusion, just love and freedom to all. The revelations and dreams and all that jazz I have endured; the things I have seen from different perspectives enable me to keep moving forward in this mantra relentlessly. My children who hung out with me in the pre-existence as intelligences (energy) got me as a mother hence they get the chance to live the same way.
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