I Wonder

Since I can remember I have felt a sense of dispossession from the God as I was taught. I had a deep sense of not being at home and utterly underwhelmed. Ennui. Yet, I was overwhelmed simultaneously with my unseen world. So, I wanted the fastest track home: get all the shit done I needed to here on earth so I could get home. That mentality landed me as a child-bride. On the flip side, some people love the ride of not feeling at home and are the extrovert black sheeps. Rebellious artists and radicals. Jesus was a radical. My friend Justin Mott is a radical. I wrote about Justin without using his name in a previous post. He said is fine with me using his name. He is the Mormon/AA guy who I have known since I was 15. He has been in AA since he was 15. I knew him in high school when he started AA with a famous girl in town. Justin was the Mormon teen going hard young and for decades after. He shows up in my life all the time. 

I had not seen him since we talked on the gym floor a month or so ago about plant medicine. I saw him a couple days ago at the gym. I was sitting in the sun meditating for 20 minutes and I opened my eyes and Justin was standing there with the sun behind him. We greet each other Vegas High School style, "what up bro, what up baby." "Vanessa, I just got back from Costa Rica where I did a 4 day Ayu trip. It fucking changed my life bro! No, it did! I've been to fucking Malibu rehab as a kid for 80k...to on street rehab and plant medicine did more in one week than 30 years of any treatment I have ever had has done!" Then the best line he said was "I don't have to go to any more fucking AA meetings where people are whining about their dog taking a shit on the carpet and they feel like drinking. I am so fucking over it!" He was physically glowing. 

He went to Rythmia in Hacienda Panilla by Tamarindo; which is on the way to Avellanas where I drove Charly quite a few times to hang out with her friends and the famous pig there. If you dissect this even remotely you have the common denominators of Justin (Justin Mott/Justin Jordan), Costa Rica, plant medicine, Mormonism,  and AA. At that point we can leave out any other dreams or random sightings in Boulder City at "Chilly Jilly's" where some of us found that metaphorical ancient gold. Justin's wife name is Jill. 

Justin has older kids as well. Many of us in this situation do. We all recognize that we were trying to move the ball forward for our kids or die trying. We had plans for our oldest kids that would be facilitated by moving ourselves from what we were taught, but instead the whole damn cycle repeated itself for them. "Them" being our teenagers to young adults. Our kids lived through some dramas and got the same wounds we did. It is physically debilitating to feel like you have taken the spiritual path of seeking truth and it turns so very wrong. It turns unrelentlessly self destructive.

We are all like glow stick necklaces that won't light up until we are snapped. Once snapped the light floods through it. Our children were born into our willingness and our dreams to overcome the elevators we had keeping us down. Our dreams were to put them into a life we were not provided. As was the dream of our ancestors. Undoubtedly, in the process of us changing the status quo these first born, "ride or dies", they get cracked in the process. So, then they choose their light. That is the consciousness of being in form no matter who we were when we were little, or who we chose to be born to. At some point we must choose what we will move toward. Our children got the benefit of their light being cracked open at a young age. They have not lived the life that Justin or I did, and so many others did, for 45+ years. We did not live the struggles of our ancestors who died in their efforts. That is the ball being rolled forward.

I am so profoundly happy for Justin and his family. He is a baller with a shot collar kind of cock-a-roach friend. Those friends are quality humans to have around. They know deep dark and profound light, thus will meet you wherever you are at no matter what. Most likely they have been there. More than once. 

Hopefully now Justin Mott stops showing up in my dreams and in my life so much. Some people in my life keep on showing up until some issue is resolved. There is nothing I can do about it but endure and go on living. Dreams of friends or family members seems preferable to dreams of murder suspects. There is a medium in Arizona named Allison DuBois who worked for the police based on her precognitive dreams. There was a 2005 series called "Medium" that stars Patricia Arquette as Allison. After a dream I had of Patricia Arquette one night a few weeks ago I started watching the series on Amazon Prime. First of all, can we start with the names Patricia and Allison in my life. Two very important people to me. Second, I love Patricia Arquette because her stunning wit and beauty reminds me of Amy. Third, in my dream Patricia was at the door of a large white mansion, dressed in white, with white suitcases beckoning me to "come home with her." Home with her seems to be that we are dreamers who keep our husbands, Joe (aerospace engineer) and Andrew (civil engineer/attorney), from getting a full nights sleep with us next to them. They feel obligated to ask, "bad dream love?" then state "there must be a logical explanation for it." Ok Andrew...I wonder if you know what the names mean babe. Explain the meaning? Oh, that's my job to wonder.