Let's Have a Toast for the...

The default song my car has turned to for years is Evanescence's "Bring me to Life." Read the words of the song, "Wake me up inside. I can't wake up, save me. Call my name and save me from the dark. Bid my blood to run before I come undone." As I looked up the whole of the song lyrics the first thing to appear is that Evanescence will be in Las Vegas on April 8, 2023. Amy Lee wrote it in the maelstrom of an abusive relationship. My first marriage was a doozy. Abusive relationships have far rippling ripples.

I know Evanescence has Christian rock band in their history, but I just learned that. Amy was never yelling like a harridan in my head at God. Please, have the grace to know your writer. A family member used that phrase in conversation the other day telling me to "have to Grace to know her well enough..." to do x, y and z. I was taken back by that of demanding someone have the grace to know them. That M.O. was a bloody sword I carried for years in my marriage. It was a progressive sword of death as it went from offended to the core that he not only didn't know me or care to know me. Scratch that sentiment that another person "should" know you. Most people in my life right now do not have the time, nor should they, to know this writer. I would be suspect of any person that took the time to accurately understand these posts. I don't want to belong to any club that would accept me as a member. Now after this past absurd year of awakening when I hear this song it has a different cast of characters. Just me and source/higher self/god/Heavenly Father as it rolls off my tongue differently each time.

Right now there is a pause to really clarify how to make myself safe and learn to hold myself until the seeds in the dirt begin growing that I have planted my entire life. It is a timing thing. This path I am on was catapulted last year and expanded by the dramatic dream of Everett in Kanab then the 7 year old boy drowning and Everett splitting his skull. It has been a continual waking up of what is actually behind the veil. There is sadness in this because it has altered the way life was planned (I really wanted stability for Deacon until he was out of high school), but there is an awareness that there is a bigger purpose than what I thought that changes that plan. That is what most of my tears are over right now. My strong, delightful, intelligent son who called me into this marriage. I had dreams of Deacon before I married Andrew. His message was "it will all be ok." I was debating the marriage often with my friends Mary and Melinda, mom, myself. Deacon's baby boy spirit was a siren that was a big weight in my decision to marry Andrew. I got pregnant a month after getting married with Deacon and he was right "it will all be ok." That guy melts me. Further dream confirmation is that when I was 16 or 17 I had a clear future dream of me running in a field of wildflowers with three blonde children. Three Menlove blondes I have.  

I am beginning to see that everything I have gone through has led me to this time in my life. This discovery of my own power and a whole different way of living my life from here on out can't be reversed. Who I actually am and the purpose I have was not what I was living. By paying attention and honoring this I have been led to people who see that same things in me as they have gone through the same thing themselves. The security and safety of that enables me to have patience in this time of growth I was pushed into. As within so without. All that is, or will be, is meant to come from the seeds planted along this sojourn. They are gifts from the divine and my ancestors because I choose to take this path before I came to earth. I am trying to own unapologetically my "gifts". In order for me to do this, and enjoy and spread such good energy, I look back and see what seeds have already grown magnificently. Charly, Deven, Deacon, Everett and Ezra. Choosing Andrew and the calling he chose in his family to break generational curses. I chose Andrew despite the clear message the moment I was kneeling across the alter in the Salt Lake Temple with him the "you don't have to do this, but if you do it is going to be difficult." I still chose to marry into the Menlove family and now Andrew is gently and with humor walking the path as the first one in his massive family to leave the LDS religion by formally taking his name off the church records. I only had one generation, and basically one family member (but she is and always will be my person and transparent all encompassing hue). Vana is akin to source in ways for me as she has been the sun that enabled me to grow a lot of what I claim to have grown. Along with my brother. That man was only a source of support, laughter and love. My two family members are top shelf humans.

Vana took care of many behind the scene duties of producing the children I have. She is a lover of peace and people. Mainly a lover of her children and grandchildren. She chose this role in life and has executed it with utmost grace. Instead of Kanye's toasting the d-bags of the world, let me have a toast to the solid sources of light and love: my mother and brother. Their patience is undeserved.