The Remembering Comes

Mary Kate (love us some Mary) said on the difference between her and her twin: "To me the difference is obvious. She thinks the opposite of fire is water, and I think the opposite of fire is no fire."

I am not mad at the Matrix, or as Prince and I like to call it, the Holos. Listen to Bon Iver's Holocene. Play in the sandbox of light. We live in a hologram. It is not us vs. them, rather live in a place filled with wonder and gratitude. Agent Smith exists and it is alright. Long before the Christ paradigm of my life story there was Krishna, another incarnation of Christ, who is timeless and self-evident. "I am ever present to those who realize me in every creature...they were never separated from me." Including self. All life is is the realization of source. I am that source in flow and taking action on what excites me. I went home and sold everything so I could follow. Sell what does not serve you. Marie Kondo the fuck out of your life to alchemize what activates you. What do you want to play in this holographic playground? Be certain in this flow state there in no sin if they are based on love and freedom. The original sin doctrine is jacked up. "What is sin?" asked Mary Magdalene. Jesus answered, "there is no sin." Check out the Gnostics, the heretics who were forced down.

I am replete with gratitude. That I survived 46 years of physical and mental flagellation. I have an understanding and remembering of who I am and what I chose to come here to earth for at this time. For my direct access to the divine through my dreams, anxiety and addictive tendencies to numb the message of truth that defies my upbringing and current massive Menlove family. The family I contracted to enter into and was emphatically urged into by my unborn soul family member I named Deacon. The gratitude list is fairly obvious at this juncture based upon the abundance of my life. Stepping out of the doctrine and dogma that made me loathe myself and others enabled this flow of gratitude and flow. I knocked and it opened. I screamed and they took note. I writhed in an abyss of chaos until I saw that one moment of light in meditation while I was taking time alone. My source was by design and contract taking me to annihilation as a term of the contract I agreed to. I agreed to be a Hermes energy of being in the gutter with the "salt of the earth" only complete loss of self can produce. My net would extend from the alters of the Mormon country club temple to the sanctuaries of Vegas trap houses, to the downtown neighborhood I grew up in. I opened my mind and saw the truth of what I had known since I was a child. The shadow people, the nightmares, the dispossession, the abuse, the sickness, the anger, the martyrdom, all led me to the very fine space of entering into the realm of "what does my dead dad know that I do not know?" He knows something I don't and those I did all this for, my humans, have iterated they would be better off without me. I was the Andre the Giant heel to all their stories and perceptions. My oldest said her and her then disrespectful (make me act like a father protecting my daughter because there is no energy here like that but me) neanderthal University of Utah football boyfriend called me Cipher. Quest que cest? The Charlize Theron villan of Fast and Furious. I still have not seen it. Yet, I say yes. That villan emerged and she was enraged. The 2016 church edict of gay people not being able to baptize their children nonsense was the final shot that started a war in my life against the church, and my oldest child's response at that time was the Woodstock '99 candle move. 

If you have not seen that documentary it is a brilliant scope of what it was to be a product of the 90's. We are all beaten down and amped up on sewer water. A candle was offered at the end of the days long festival of carnage.  A live flame was offered to burn it all down. My girl offered me a flame via a disputed fact pattern (she says, she says) and I systematically burned it all down. I did not care if I was consumed in the fire because I knew it was all going up in flames. All parties can claim whatever broken bone they received in that exit plan. You all did not even know there was a fire, or whence it came. The details are tedious.

The canaries in the cave mine were chirping the year of 2016-17. The year I moved my family to Salt Lake so Andrew could be with his dad the last of his Dad's life and Charly could take state in track in Utah as well as Nevada. I had lost my dad and it was a rug slipped out of my stability. He had to leave me with some connection I was missing. He told me before he died, in his liminal state "Deacon is going to have a good life. Then, I got Everett who passed my Dad in transit. Ezra, my penultimate baby came. Again, details. Now is the now.

Let me express in the vernacular I know. I am making the steps I am making because I have the ability to connect via dreams. I did not want this family situation to end. I had hopes and pleaded with the universe it would last until Deacon was out of high school. We are good yo! Me and my boys in this resort healthy lifestyle! Let's go with my karmic love because he is on board with all my physic abilities, my solid soul tribe of friends, he left ALL the illusions. This divine masculine is one to trust because he finally sees. Yaaaaaas.  Then the clear message to me "you have done enough." Motherfucking universe told me it was time to leave right when it was at the sweet spot. That is the best time to step into true form. 

That does not mean I am fine with the timing of all this. I thought things would play out differently. I thought Andrew and I would build something different than what is being directed. I hurt profoundly over not living with my charming bright eyed soccer playing Thor like son Deacon. The hurt turns to anger then to acceptance then to hurt and so on. The first week in my new home I woke up around 4 am with Deacon by my bed, shaking my shoulder, "mom, mom!" I woke up thinking he was in my room. He wasn't. His higher self was telling me he needed me to wake up. Pay attention to what I have learned about my mad skills of astral traveling, as well as his. I still got up from bed and checked the whole house to see if he was actually there in the waking world. He wasn't. He was in his bed asleep at Andrew's, hopefully with his best friend Artie lurking nearby. The spirits in dogs are unreal. Deacon did come to me last night as well. I have a deep feeling he does not understand all that is going on, but he will. He was excitedly asking me to go Valentine's day shopping with him for his lovely girlfriend. I guess we are skipping Christmas and straight to some kind of love magic for Maryella for Valentine's Day. Let's go. We got this. 

We chose this. We chose our situations. My kids chose me as a mother. All of us chose but just don't remember we chose. When Hamlet's father came to him as a ghost he kept saying "Remember. Remember." Remember what? Where you came from and why. As Deven says "Go with the flow. Be like water." Trust. Faith if you want to call it. The remembering comes.