Socially tired ramblings

July 20, 2001 late night call from dad I transcribed since I was really not participating in the convo. At all.

"MaryAnn Boyd went thru same abuse as you but Bill didn't now anyone. He's so damn spoiled. In the DA's office you meet and bond with Metro who take care of the scum of the earth. I don't like people hon, I never have. Thank you for still loving me because I am your father that hasn't been there.  Goofy shit. Nobody would give up what I did. I would have never been involved with anybody. I knew where I came from. Only one person gave me 110% unconditionally and I still betrayed. To be accepted. If I had known the price, could have played it out, I would have never done it. I can't rationalize, or get over it. I can survive for a period of time - how long I don't know. Can't do it the way your mother did. I carry my guilt daily. If I drank too much it is not because of my religious grandma - my guilt comes from someone who walked her talk (Vana). I would never have had babies if it wasn't for someone who walked their talk. I'm no different then when I was when I was 18. I have not changed. She tolerates my drunk talk, she does not change. Not like your grandparents who have no standing, relatively speaking. You are my daughter. I can tell the way you gotta read between the lines. Thank God J. came into your life. You would not have loved me as much. Why did J. come into your life? I take blame on that too. You are like your mother, don't have the anger your brother has. When you betray the best, especially when you come from shit...give me an objective motivation as to why: misplaced priorities? She tolerates. Sacrifices and total devotion to the babies. I probably, to a large degree, would be worse off, because your mom's slave time, like my brother or sister. You accept this conversation because our blood relations. I choose the right person and because of my selfishness. I had no standing with J. I was cool. As we get closer, you know much more of my hostility. I don't like people, never have, outside of your mom. If you go thru a 3rd stage, this individual who thinks they deserve because they exist I'll string out this time. Once you don't do things you should've done, as you get older theres less tolerance. Not because we've had conversations - not strangers in life - not trying to make up for lost time, not at all.  I just wanted exist...I could never understand why she fell in love with a bus boy. She had no idea. She choose the wrong person, to me, because nobody else had ever choose me."


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