Cult of Personality

Today is brought to you of yet another dream of my Lexus turning over in a languid way whilst driving. I always feel like "what the fuck car, why are you turning over on your own...I am the driver." One time Everett was in the car with me and I crawled out of the car and found a group of young mom's. They were dressed like young Mormon mom's kneeling on a nursery floor. I went straight to the baby girl on the floor to say hello and a divalicious mom wagged her finger at me "don't touch her, you know better." Ok bitch. I won't touch your baby. End that dream. I did not journal the dream or even really think about it much. Now I completely see so much relevance to all that I recall from the dream and the symbols that were presented. My inaction to the dream prompted the universe to step up it's game and called a basketball type "foul" on my dream and actually stopped me, the game, and was forcing the crowd (the crowd being myself) to recognize my failure. Now were the time for the free-throws and I said, nope, this is a lame game and I refuse to shoot this shot because I am fairly certain it is to start writing my truth. 

Please just let me live in peace and love intentionally with my 3 boys. Please don't let them have an even more eccentric mom who rages against all the institutions whilst living among them. Let me be a vaguely acceptable brunette. 

The next night I had horrible nightmares I won't even write here. I gave it one more night and it was so clear by who showed up and how immobile I was in the dream that I was forced to watch the terror for hours that night without the ability to react. I was strong armed into posting this drivel up. This is how the universe works with me through my dreams. I can't even edit or be all perfectionist either. So sloppy.

In order to stop such nightmares I had to address the religious institution situation in my life. Shoot my first freethrow. I made it. Though I feel as if many in the crowd were stunned and disappointed.

Last night the car unwittingly rolled over, again, and I crawled out to find Pete Davidson hunkered down in the grass with paraphernalia. I don't know Pete, but also making an appearance is my handsome quick witted friend K. Watt. Those two men combined with the moving car, of which I am obviously not the driver, forcing a "stop and look" type moment. It is time to address the addicts of the world. The culture of AA and culture in general. This may be short, but I got to get it out because I am not sure of the turnaround time between my diligence and the discipline of the universe via nightmares, and I have a dentist appointment at 2. Momma wants to sleep tonight!

So, here is my second free-throw shot. Let's talk addiction real quick. At the advice of my recovered AA serving Mormon brother-in-law, I gave AA a try. It felt like church. It had a hierarchy. It was male centered. It was founded by Bill Wilson after he had a psychedelic dream on mushrooms, hence the opening mantra of it's members needing having to have a "spiritual experience" to recover. They are not handing out mushrooms at AA folks. They are simply fostering another cult experience by some truth redacting dude. I did not know about the mushroom factor in the founding of AA until I watched Netflix's show How to Change Your Mind. I watched that show because I was already neck deep in following the white rabbit the universe had sent me on with my high school friend sister regarding facilitating plant medicine journeys. (these stories are posted up on here too). Alternative healing routes was also not a calling I was not really on board with. I did it. After learning that drug fact of what a "spiritual experience" was for Bill (does not have to be drugs....mine was meditation) there came a profound sadness for the members of AA that have been going to meetings, a.k.a Kindergarten, for years. Even more for the addicts. There is a NAD + ketamine therapy that is healing addicts of decades with only one treatment. Heroine, opioids, alcohol...all of it. I don't know if it cures pornography addiction, the mormon men will have to test that out. I know that's a low blow. I'm not sorry.

One such human is here to remind me of that sadness for the gatekeeping of these truths is...I won't name his name. You know those people you run into over and over again at the most random places, that is him. Since we were 15. He is still mormon and has been in AA since he was 15. We love our cults, don't we. People want to belong in boxes. The communifcation of manipulated truth.  No individual thought please, just the guy behind the curtain. Maybe use AA for friends; because you were a "selfish" soul that lost any sense of self and may have no friends. Or use the church when you have no money for church cheese and a casserole. It is a resting point. Not a destination. Truth cannot be communified. 

Addicts are some of the best people I have known. I would call them "my guys" even. If you have not battled addiction you have not known the abyss of hell. As a group of people who are solid warriors screaming that humanity is messed up, they attempted slow suicide because they had lost themselves in the act of REMEMBERING who they really were. I read somewhere that addicts simply lacked community based on a mice study: if the mice were alone and had drugs they partook. If they had a mouse playground and other mice they did not partake. Most the addicts I know had a strong community in some prominent positions, good friends, family. If you lose yourself in or out of community you will partake, right in front of your mice friends as they run in the mouse wheel, with free mouse food. You will partake if you know the whole mouse park you are trapped in is not the right mouse park. The other mice may not really know who they are so how are they going to assist you? 

Jump outta the cage via your mind. Change your mind and you will change your reality. 

Am I going to go to AA at 7am tomorrow to offer plant medicine facilitation or meditation services? I could, but  I only went a month and that seems real obnoxious to show up like that. No. Will this friend who keeps seeing me since I was 15 let the AA people know the truth? Over these past three years he has watched me heal and REMEMBER who I am, "WHAT are you doing that is working Vanessa?" Not plant medicine, but I told him what I did. What it has caused in my current situation and reality. It is up to him to do it, or see how far deep the universe has to take him to hit bottom, or live another 30 years in a like and similar way. He is one of my favorite people. He is a tower of human power trapped in the cult of being a man of the American work culture, Mormon culture, big family culture, AA culture. Cult of personality.

Those are a lot of boxes to climb out. I told him that on the Lifetime gym floor I was a dreamer. I am putting that out there at most points these days and people's reactions are prime fodder for my entertainment. He said, "you always come to me at the right time." I replied, "I have always recognized you bro...we are soul fam." 

Did the freethrow make it? Stay tuned.

XOXO. Dream Gossip Girl